Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald


Mocking NFL’s mock drafts

And with the No. 1 pick, the Oakland Raiders select…

The excitement; the anticipation; the months of hype will reach a climax Saturday.

For Wisconsin fans, the allure will be to see how high former Badger standout Joe Thomas goes, and if any of the other seniors from last season — John Stocco, Roderick Rogers and Mark Zalewski — will go at all. For others, the draw will be to see if the Raiders select what calls the best talent in the draft, wideout Calvin Johnson, or the burly gunslinger and perhaps franchise-builder, quarterback JaMarcus Russell. The draft has many other debates to offer as well.


Since I don't claim to be an expert, and even the experts don't seem to have everything straightened away, I figured I'd try something different when predicting how this year's first round will play out.

Using ESPN's draft board of all the potential draftees, I will break down my first round as if I were like the girl who fills out her bracket based on mascots, colors and team names. We'll see how it turns out when I go by names — and their connections to the NFL teams that could draft them — alone.

1. Oakland Yamon Figurs, WR, Kansas State — Yamon figures to be a key ingredient in the Raiders' quest to return to respectability.

2. Detroit Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville — There's nothing average about Okoye. He's a step ahead of everyone in age, talent and name (except Figurs).

3. Cleveland Baraka Atkins, DL, Miami — In case the all-meat diet doesn't pan out, the first name Baraka certainly will in Cleveland.

4. Tampa Bay Kyle Shotwell, LB, Cal Poly — Unlike any of the other athletes available in the draft, Kyle is the only one who uses a firearm with great accuracy. After all, he'll be playing for pirates.

5. Arizona Iakaika Alama-Francis, DE, Hawaii — What more can you say? This Hawaiian is named Iakaika. I don't know what it means, but it's probably something close to awesome.

6. Washington Travarous Bain, CB, Hampton — Travarous is likely to become the bane of the rest of the NFC East's existence.

7. Minnesota Ben Grubbs, OG, Auburn — Been Grubbing, eh, Minnesota? For what? A decent top 10 pick? Well, here he is.

8. Atlanta Darrelle Revis, CB, Pittsburgh — Revis has a smooth game and smooth name.

9. Miami Sabby Piscitelli, S, Oregon State — This savvy Italian will fish the 'Fins out of another disappointing year.

10. Houston Victor Abiamiri, DE, Notre Dame — The Texans haven't had a winning season ever. This defensive end will change all that. Abiamiri spells victory.

11. San Francisco Dashon Goldson, S, Washington — Rushing for precious riches, Goldson will fit right into the 49ers' philosophy, which brought the team to the West Coast in the first place.

12. Buffalo Tank Tyler, DT, NCSU — His name speaks volumes about his abilities; he should be a bulldozing force in the NFL.

13. St. Louis Kevin Payne, SS, LA Monroe — Ramming the competition, Kevin will be the cause of many injuries.

14. Carolina LaRon Landry, DB, LSU — He'll clean up the Panthers' secondary in style.

15. Pittsburgh Kenny Irons, RB, Auburn — Irons certainly will flatten his jersey and the spotless Landry come fall. Sign me up.

16. Green Bay Brandon Meriweather, CB, Miami — When winter strikes Lambeau, his unaccustomed teammates won't have to worry any longer. Brandon's game will bring blue skies and eternal sunshine to the Pack.

17. Jacksonville Tony Ugoh, OT, Arkansas — You go, Tony, to the Jaguars at No. 17 overall.

18. Cincinnati Tony Hunt, RB, Penn State — When pursuing a first down, Tony will, like a Bengal tiger, sniff it out.

19. Tennessee Greg Olsen, TE, Miami — Hey, didn't Olsen just compete in the Final Four along with that Conley fellow? He must be really good if he can play multiple sports.

20. New York (Giants) Alan Branch, DT, Michigan — At 6-foot-6, 330 pounds, Branch is more like a massive tree; a tree that will complement his team's name nicely.

21. Denver Tim Crowder, DE, Texas — While I can't imagine him being compatible in a shopping mall setting, his ability to burst opponents' bubbles with his up-close and personal presence is a must in the Rockies.

22. Dallas Levi Brown, OT, Penn State — With the shopping mall still open, Dallas should take advantage by going and buying Levi's size and potential.

23. Kansas City Arron Sears, OG, Tennessee — We just need K-Mart to move from the NBA to the NFL and we'd be set.

24. New England Quinn Pitcock, DT, Ohio State — Need I say more? His last name pits success, among other things.

25. New York (Jets) Melvin Bullit, DB, Texas A&M — The former Aggie will surely put some rapid-fire quickness into the Jets' defensive backs' unit.

26. Philadelphia Jeff Perrett, OT, Tulsa — Perrett's no Eagle, but he sure can fly. And he can talk, too.

27. New Orleans R. McDonald, DT, Florida — Whoa! Ronald McDonald?! No way! Do you think this pick comes with a stack of double cheeseburgers?

28. New England Manny Ramirez, OG, Texas Tech — Another one of these multi-sport athletes. He'll be happy to know Gillette Stadium isn't all that far from Fenway.

29. Baltimore Justise Hairston, RB, Central Connecticut State — Hairston will rectify all that is wrong with the league.

30. San Diego Prescott Burgess, LB, Michigan — Nothing fancy here, just a solid name and likely a solid game.

31. Chicago Chinedum Ndukwe, S, Notre Dame — Ndukwe shined, um, a lot at Notre Dame. That is all.

32. Indianapolis Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin/ Michael Johnson, S, Arizona/ Mike Jones, OG, Iowa — All of them win the "Simplest Name" award in this year's draft While their names may be average, I have a hunch their games aren't.

Kevin is a junior double majoring in journalism and economics. What are the odds of him getting any of these picks right? Let him know by contacting him at [email protected].

Leave a Comment
Donate to The Badger Herald

Your donation will support the student journalists of University of Wisconsin-Madison. Your contribution will allow us to purchase equipment and cover our annual website hosting costs.

More to Discover
Donate to The Badger Herald

Comments (0)

All The Badger Herald Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *