McGrath

In putting together the top 3-on-3 basketball team WITHOUT any actual basketball players, I had to scour the Earth for the trio with the best chemistry, who would balance each other perfectly, just like Harry and Lloyd from "Dumb and Dumberer," or Pete and Pete from "Pete and Pete."

Thankfully, in a moment of weakness (a.k.a. total drunkness) at the Herald-Cardinal football game, Mr. Poppy gave away his strategy of starting Gilbert Brown as his big man.

Bad move.

To combat Poppy's squad, I decided to bring in aerobic expert and diet specialist (and 16-time winner of world's most annoying person) Richard Simmons as my postman. Simmons will drive Brown crazy, because he will: a) continually try to make Gilbert tell a tearful story about how being big boned is ruining his life and, b) be prancing around dealing meals left and right. If that doesn't cause the Gravedigger to dig his own grave then I'll just stuff Simmons' spandex full of aromatic beef jerky and let him cartwheel away from the basket, effectively turning the game into a 2-on-2.

My talker would be No. 85, Chad Johnson. Unlike T.O., Johnson actually backs up his smack and this blonde-mohawked, gold-grilled wideout would have T.O. curled in the fetal position, crying for Drew Rosenhaus within seconds of the opening tip. Plus, No. 85 would never drive a wedge in this team, whereas T.O. will almost certainly work against Poppy's team.

My mystery player and big point scorer will be none other than Air Bud.

Now, Air Bud was never a professional player. He only played at the high school level. But still, what NBA superstar could guard the golden retriever with the sweet jumper? Bud would outrun, outhustle and outshoot any player on either team. And even if someone wanted to guard the pooch, who could really be mean to such a nice puppy? No one this side of Charles Manson.

So let me get my team together for a real hardy DAVE on three …

That's right, point: McGrath.

Poppy

With the first pick of the 3-on-3 street team Point-Counter Point draft (current professional and college basketball players being ineligible), Poppy selects … Gilbert Brown, former Packers' defensive tackle/center. Every team needs a big man to hold down the paint and what bigger, yet somewhat mobile, player to take than the Gravedigger?

Brown never put up big stats in the NFL, but he paved the way for his teammates by taking on up to three blockers at a team, the same way he would bruise opponents on the court with killer screens. Give this man a couple of Gilbertburgers for motivation and it's a wrap.

In the second round, Poppy selects Terrell Owens, wide receiver/forward.
A trash talker is essential in the street game (see Billy Hoyle in "White Men Can't Jump") and to combat number 85's mouth, T.O. is needed. Plus, the threat of him tearing apart a team isn't even a worry on this field; what team doesn't bitch and moan at each other in street ball?

And just like in football, Owens always brings his "A-game." He was a solid basketball player at Tennessee-Chattanooga and has yearned to play in the NBA's summer league for years. Get your popcorn ready, 'cause T.O.'s going to put on a show.

With the last and final pick, Poppy selects Robin Williams, actor/equipment manager.

Williams could play if he really wants to, even as Mrs. Doubtfire if he so desires, but his role on the team is rather simple — supply the flubber for Brown and Owens' shoes to get those extra ups like he did in his 1997 hit movie.

Better yet, flubber would be pretty much undetectable and even if it was, drugs are completely legal on the street courts.

With a roster of the Gravedigger, T.O. and flubber, Williams could spend his time plotting Death to Smoochy, because the death to McGrath's team is a guarantee.