Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald


Fan Laws follow Reynolds’ man lead

"When it comes to beer, sharing is caring.
You poke it, you own it.
Crushing a beer can on your forehead is barbaric."
–Burt Reynolds

Burt Reynolds is not just a man with a mustache that transcends decades who also used to be the sex icon of America. Nay. He is also the lead authority on what it takes to be a man. Above are just three of the Man Laws that Burt, and the rest of the Men of the Square Table, have scribed for the good of the entire male species.

But nobody is perfect (just look at Jets fans), and even Burt has overlooked a few crucial commandments, most notably within the realm of sports. Burt cannot be held responsible to create all of our laws for men — we need to exercise our civic duty and help Burt out!


So, here are some much needed Man Laws, with a focus on the sporting side of our lives — Fan Laws, if you will — that need to be penned before this ad campaign goes the way of the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

Fans shall not sport dueling logos

How often has this happened to you: You're walking down the street, reading your Sports Illustrated and carrying a large cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee, when you suddenly see an oncoming pedestrian who is wearing a North Carolina hat with a Wisconsin shirt and an old-school Chicago Bulls jacket.

Hopefully, you shake your head and sigh.

This rule is broken more often than Pam Anderson's wedding vows and can no longer be allowed to stand.

If it were fashionable, it might be okay, but as any Project Runway veteran will tell you, sports apparel is almost never fashionable. Take the Oregon Ducks, for example.

No, sports apparel is meant so that a fan may truly wear his emotions on his sleeve, chest and, if need be, even underwear. That means dueling logos are a no-no.

Like hockey penalties, there are levels to the infraction:

Minor: For example, wearing a Wisconsin hat and a Green Bay jersey. The two teams almost overlap geographically, and so do the fan bases. Still, you have to pick one or the other. Just go Badger on Saturday and Packer on Sunday. Not that difficult.

Major: Wearing a Yankees, Red Sox, Cubs, Duke Blue Devils or North Carolina Tar Heels hat with any other logo. Unless you were born a fan of one of these teams and have been through the fire, wearing any of these team's apparel with any other is akin to being branded like a goat or cow. It's just joining the herd, see Law below for further detail.

Unforgivable: Wearing an Ohio State hat and Michigan sweatshirt. Rivals are rivals for a reason. If you are caught violating this cardinal sin of fandom, your fan rights are revoked until you can prove you have an appreciation of what sports truly are.

Fan Law.

No rooting for the Yankees, Red Sox or Lakers

Unless you were born in New York, Boston or L.A., you're bandwagoning. Just stop while you still have a shred of dignity left.

Fan Law.

No waving at the camera behind home plate

Getting seats behind home plate is a privilege — unless you are at a Marlins game, in which case it is more of a guarantee, since they average a couple dozen fans per contest — and should be appreciated. How many opportunities will you have in your life to actually hear a 97-mph fastball be delivered from pitcher to catcher? About as often as a Sumo wrestler gets to see his toes. The moment should be cherished.

But some fools insist on waving to their friends on television while talking on their cell phones. That foul alone is reason enough to discuss removing the netting from behind home plate. If a pitcher hits a fan committing said foul, it's an automatic out.

Fan Law.

Only men at the bachelor party (excepting the entertainment, of course)

OK, this isn't truly sports related, but it is an issue that needs to be addressed.

Unreasonably, some women feel compelled to break up this fundamental male bonding tradition. It's every man's birthright to not only have a bachelor party, but one with only other men, with the obvious exception to the guests of honor.

Ladies, this is why bachelorette parties exist. If you're that upset about a dude doing his thing before walking down the aisle, go one-up him in Vegas.

Fan Law.

No rooting against No. 16 seeds

Some UConn fans had the gall to boo Albany last year, while they were down double-digits in the NCAA Tourney — only in Philadelphia, where Santa Claus was booed out of town.

Sixteen seeds are like Little League teams. You cheer for them no matter what. If you somehow can't beat them, just boo yourself.

Fan Law.

No hating on Chad Johnson

This one goes out to all the stodgy ol' coots that are the NFL owners and any other geezer that has a problem with Johnson.

You can't cover 85 — just face it, you need to stop hating on him.

His end zone celebrations and general enthusiasm for the game help the NFL immensely. He is what is right with pro football and competition in general, not what is wrong with it, so stop crying like Paul Davis (or like a sorority girl about Facebook). Sure he talks smack, but he always backs it up. Plus, his golden grill and blonde Mohawk make his personal appearance far and away the best in the business.

Fan Law.

Sports are sports, the rest is competition

All sports are competition, not all competition is sport. A sport is any competition that has a clear and decisive winner. That means all competitions involving judges are automatically not a sport.

Chess: sport. Figure skating: Not a sport. Darts: sport. A boxing match that does not end in a knockout: not a sport. Bowling: sport. Gymnastics: not a sport.

You get the picture.

Fan Law.

Wear team colors to games

How Packer fans will wait 75 years for season tickets and then show up to a game in a blaze orange jacket is just mind-boggling. It's like waiting in line for two hours to get into Shula's Steakhouse and then just having a soda and a side salad.

Fan Law.

Write 'em down, pin 'em to a wall or fridge; these laws are all rules to live by, and I'm sure I speak for Burt when I say that. I'm just glad that I could give ol' Mr. Reynolds a day off and do my part to reward the real man's man himself, Burt Reynolds. What a man, what a mustache.

Here's to you, Burt. You earned it.

Dave is a senior majoring in English and journalism. If you have any Fan Laws or Man Laws that need to be immortalized on The Badger Herald website, or just in Dave's e-mail box, write him at [email protected].

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