The students at UW, myself included, like to consider ourselves some of the most rabid, beer-inspired college football fans in the country. Neither Michigan, nor Ohio State, nor even Penn State can boast more loyal and dedicated fans. Ideally, we hold ourselves in the same esteem as the Dukies in Krzyzewskiville who sleep in tents for days to ensure tickets to Blue Devil basketball games, or fans attending European soccer matches whose excitement, at times, boils into stampedes.
We love to show our enthusiasm by telling neighboring sections to eat feces, and drop the f-bomb at each other in response. We tell “N” that it sucks “P,” while organizing obnoxious versions of the wave and throwing any object we can over the back of the stadium. Highlights for most come between the third and fourth quarters when the House of Pain classic “Jump Around” booms on the stadium’s primordial sound system, or when the Badgers make a big play and score. We are happiest when an opposing player cannot get up, allowing us to yell feverishly for the refs to shoot him like a horse.
Not me. My favorite part of a Badger game is halftime — and no, it is not because I have always aspired to play the trumpet, marching in tight black pants. Halftime is the best part of the game because it is the only time when it is permissible to sit down.
Whoever started the trend of the student section standing during the whole game is an idiot. We stand when everyone else sits, and at halftime we sit when everyone else stands.
Do not get me wrong: I am all for being different, but this is stupidity.
Jerry Seinfeld (the comedian who became famous by making jokes about fairly obvious observations) does a bit on sitting. He points out that in a person’s life, they go from place to place, with the ultimate goal at each destination being to find a place to sit. At a friend’s house, we sit on the couch and watch TV, or sit down for a cup of coffee. For leisurely entertainment we go to plays and movies, and sit as we enjoy them. If a person is sitting, it is understandable if they ask someone else who is standing to go well out of their way to get something because, “they don’t want to have to get up.” The only thing better than sitting is lying down, but that is a whole other story.
I wake up earlier on Saturday than on any other day of the week, because most Badger games start at the unreasonable hour of 11 a.m., which is about seven in the morning for a college student. Whether it is at the bars, or at a party, I do not consider my tone facetious when I assume most Madison students spend Friday nights punishing their livers. Is it not torture enough that we have to get up so early and hung-over? Granted, the drinking generally spills onto Saturday morning, but halfway through the second quarter, most buzzes have worn off. At this point the standing just seems a little more than unnecessary.
It is true that most of us college students are paralyzed by our lethargy and apathy, but there is more to my plea than this. Football games are for us to enjoy, not marathons of physical endurance. In no situation would rational individuals choose to stand when they can sit.
So next Saturday, when the Badgers host Indiana, I ask all of the Badger faithfuls standing in the student section to join me in sitting down. Alone, we cannot see, but together we can all watch the game on our butts.
Otherwise, if my plea goes unanswered, I will spend more Saturdays like I did last weekend, working at the game in a yellow jacket as a security guard. If I am forced to stand for the whole game, I might as damn well be getting paid.