There is no such thing as a non-clich? finals lede. It’s impossible. And yet writing one is obligatory, just like fake-smiling at elderly people or telling the drive-thru worker to have a nice day. He’s not going to have a nice day. Long John Silver’s is not conducive to having nice days. But this is the world we live in. So in the name of solidarity and general malaise — after all, we have finals to study for — here’s the abridged version:

The semester is like a race. Finals are the end of said race. Things that are good at racing: large horses, Italian cars, the Swiss Family Robinson. But finals are also like an obstacle course. Tiger Woods joke? Segue…

But there’s one final you’ve probably ignored up to this point — and no, it’s not bowling, you worthless, fifth-year taxpayer vampire. Instead, it looks liked you’ve blanked on that Labor Solidarity 101 class you signed up for. Why are you taking Labor Solidarity 101? No idea, but I’m guessing it probably counts as an ethnic studies credit.

The class, taught by the Student Labor Action Committee, is hosting their final online (you can find it here: slac.rso.wisc.edu/finalexam), and you have until Friday to slave your way through their eight multiple choice, 10 true-false questions and one optional essay.

Interestingly, while most of the semester focused on C?sar Ch?vez’ legendary grape boycott of ’84 and that one scene from “Ocean’s 13” with that other Affleck at the dice factory, the final is pretty narrowly tailored to one event: Chancellor Biddy Martin and the Nike fiasco. [Ed. Note: That would make a great band name.]

As you probably know, at issue is UW’s Nike apparel contract and the $2.1 million they owe workers at two Honduran factories. SLAC feels the university should cancel the contract, carpet bomb Eugene, Oregon and change UW’s fight song to “Guerrilla Radio.” Biddy, on the other hand, wants to play this thing slow, like “dad’s coming back from Oasis Market any day now; he just needed some cigarettes” slow.

One would like to think these two superpowers could resolve this amicably, if only because SLAC is partially right. Unfortunately, they’re also partially insufferable.

There’s something about a group attempting to craft arguments through magnifying glasses and congratulatory cakes that makes it hard to take them seriously. If you’re truly passionate about workers’ rights, aren’t there a few more legitimate options? It’s not as if Martin Luther King, Jr. lobbied Bull Connor to pull his finger, even though God knows that’s good Southern humor. While the causes SLAC champions merit at least some degree of discussion — although not too much — the way the group goes about their business destroys what few threads of credibility they possess; threads which could be used to sew a rational argument as sharp as a Nike UW sweatshirt.

But if that is SLAC’s reason for being, we might as well help them out. Please, take the Labor Solidarity 101 exam. It’s the easiest test you’ve encountered since that one time you drank six gallons of water, peed in a cup and prayed.

Sample questions include: What is the correct course of action to be taken with Nike? A) Terminate the contract B) Stall for months and hope students go away and forget about it C) Use the media to expose the issue or D) Give Nike products as Christmas gifts. I’m going to guess “A,” because that’s SLAC’s solution to everything, but if you’re feeling adventurous, take a chance on “D.” That way, you can be just as witty as SLAC, and who knows? You might be right. Maybe Biddy has a sense of humor. We already know SLAC does.

Sean Kittridge ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in journalism.