Freshmen never saw a party they didn’t like. They live by the mottos “Free beer tastes better” and “come one, come all.” If you didn’t notice already, freshmen tend to reside in a world of debauchery, sweaty house parties and Fleischmann’s vodka in Aquafina water bottles — a world where getting “faced” comes before both bros and hoes, a world where party etiquette does not exist.
With my little brother moving into Madison as an incoming freshman, I was excited to initiate him with his first Madtown “rager.” We party-proofed our small, yet sturdy Mifflin fortress, duct taping down the iPod, scraping the goo off of the pong table and cleaning the beer bong until it was shinier than Anderson Cooper’s metal hair. Rage engaged.
Sure enough, little brother’s brigade arrived with 32 legs and 16 sets of balls. Now, my household is not a fraternity desperate to achieve a 3:1 girl-to-guy ratio, but a 16-person dude crew is not going to fly no matter where you go for skeezy keg beer. We sent most of the liabilities on their way and allowed little brother to choose his “Fab five” to let inside.
Turns out his “Fab five” was not so fabulous; they swindled cups (for Coca-Cola drinking only, Johnny Law), called over more freshmen dudes, and not even one of them looked anything like Chris Webber. When we asked them for cup donations, they were more lost for words than Sammy Sosa at the “‘roids” trials.
As a senior, it blows my wits knowing that was once me — the amateur who showed up with seven dudes, snatched a cup off the beer pong table and sold it on the way out, sucking the life out of both the party and the keg.
We were all there at one point and would probably all go back if we could. However, we enter a college maturity process. We grow with the experience of being a guest in the houses, apartments and shit holes of others. Party etiquette is not something that can be taught; it is learned from hard lessons and endless amounts of party fouls. Hey, it may take a nice ‘n’ loud UW “asshole chant” before you stop playing defense in beer pong. Maturity comes at the expense of embarrassment.
So as veteran UW students, it is our obligation to guide the way for our freshmen by embracing their mistakes, maintaining an understanding and keeping them off the guest list.
Keep the guest list to immediate friends: If your address gets out to a youngster, their entire dorm floor will be showing up 20 minutes after the first freshman arrives. No one wants the 25 schmaggled homeboys from Witte 7A.
Lock away all steal-able objects: I’ve witnessed the thievery of a kitchen blender, a case of energy drinks and even a ninja sword that had formerly been mounted on the host’s wall.
Designate a party enforcer: Choose your biggest prick roommate and put him/her in charge of kicking out undesirables from your party (cup moochers, thieves, pukers, etc.). Backpack tax: Freshmen love bringing backpacks of their own beverages into your war-zone. That maneuver comes at a cost, payable by cash or the contents of the knapsack.
The “Party Execution” is not the answer: Some party hosts choose to punish unwanted guests with whiskey or Tabasco-spiked beer bongs. This sketchy tactic can only lead to polluted first-years and more cleanup for you.
Hide the second keg: “The keg is gone! Everybody out!” A classic that gives you the opportunity to filter out stragglers and customize your party crowd.
Brett Wisniewski ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in journalism.
