We can all agree that "YES means: let's f-ck! NO means: f-ck off!" But what about the tremendous amount of gray area that people encounter when hooking up?
Nobody wants to be thought of as a pushy hookup or wants to sexual assault someone. How then can we get the go ahead to take the hookup beyond making out to heavy petting, oral or intercourse, knowing that the other person/people are interested?
Ideally, before you touch, lick, kiss, massage, penetrate, rub etc. you should ask: would you like me to (fill in the blank)? But usually one person is fumbling nervously, hand shaking, trying to test your boundaries. They play with your underwear line, your bra or grab and squeeze your body closer and closer to your "private parts." If you are on the receiving end of this embarrassing dance you have an opportunity for ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT!
Enthusiastic consent is setting up rules like: we can play around and if I am uncomfortable I will tell you. Agreeing on this ahead of time lets the other person know that they can safely explore and not to be offended if they are told to back-off! This is a huge relief for both parties and doesn't ruin the mood, instead it makes it a much safer space.
The hookup wouldn't be fun if before every move the person asked "may I do this?" or "would you like that?" So the receiving partner needs to be more enthusiastic about things they want to direct this lost soul. Everyone wants the reputation of being an amazing hookup. So if you say "I love…" or "that feels soooo good!" The person will naturally try to respond to your requests and responses.
Caution: this may result in a disproportionate period of time spent on one activity. Too much moaning when someone kisses your ear may result in them slobbering in there for 30 minutes thinking you are going to climax from it.
The idea is though that people are helplessly trying to please the other person. It is tremendously difficult to figure out how far the other person wants to take it and what they want.
To master one is not to master all, and sometimes it is hard to remember that. So help by ENTHUSIASTICALLY CONSENTING!
Because the overwhelming majority of sexual assault is committed by men, even though not most men sexually assault, I am inclined to turn to women to address how to enthusiastically consent. However, this will not do much for any non-two person heterosexual hookup and that seems wrong to me.
Better yet, what if you have been in a relationship with your partner and want to explore the pleasures of the tush but you know that if you flat out ask the person they won't consider the possibility. While I want to tell you that you ought not be dating someone so closed minded, I have come to appreciate that some people are willing to expand their horizons even though they may not want to talk about it or acknowledge it. Again, this may not be ideal, but it is a step in the right direction.
Danny Semo
Sex Out Loud member
