Despite a principled battle against international talks regarding the environment, the Bush administration finally agreed to join a non-binding meeting to address global warming. Rest assured, they had plenty of good reasons not to get together with those European fear-mongers.

So our delegation may have walked out a few times, but the Canadians totally invited former president Clinton! Bush deputies then threatened to boycott the meetings if Clinton was allowed to speak. (I'm being serious here.) In the face of the grave threat he poses to the administration's goal of convincing the world global warming is a hoax like Bigfoot or WMDs, it's great to see we've got our priorities in line.

1. Don't talk to Clinton unless he can save us foreign aid cash.

2. Don't listen to Clinton if not flanked by at least one Bush.

3. Let those Euro-pansies whine about their precious mother earth on their own time.

The Bush administration has been cold on the Kyoto protocol, in which developed nations are encouraged to cut greenhouse gas emissions, since 2001, when President Bush disavowed the Kyoto treaty, claiming it would hurt U.S. economic interests (see: ExxonMobil). This makes perfect sense. I mean, why hurt our economy now when someone else can fix that whole environment thing later? If you're still not totally convinced this system can work, check out the astounding performance of the social security program.

Some might say that the Bush administration's refusal to participate in any tangible efforts to improve the earth's environment has had a negative impact on our global standing. Detractors even suggest the United States has been left behind by the global community on this issue as we are perceived as unflinching and unfailingly self-interested, unwilling to lead the world on one of the most important issues of our time due to inconvenience and a lack of political expediency.

State Department spokesman Adam Ereli responded to these criticisms by insisting U.S. supremacy to every country on earth. (And slightly deviating from the truth. Just a tad though.)

"I'd say there's one country that is focused on action, that is focused on dialogue, that is focused on cooperation and is focused on helping the developing world. And that's the United States."

So stop being such an unpatriotic left-wing prick or a Canadian. The good ol' U.S.A. is way better than Europe. Especially when we don't even try.

I, on the other hand, completely understand the Bush administration's flawless logic on this issue. Why even have these "talks" if they're not formal or binding? And why have formal talks when the United States is already doing more for mother earth then those European schmucks can even comprehend?

Former President Clinton apparently doesn't get it either. At Friday's meeting in Montreal, Clinton said President Bush is "flat wrong" in his assertion that Kyoto would harm the U.S. economy.

This isn't the first time the Bush administration has been accused of ignoring professional opinions in favor of political gains. The FDA overruled its own scientists in concluding the morning-after pill should not be available over the counter, and the Justice Department's civil rights division won't even let staff members give recommendations to political appointees anymore.

I applaud the Bush administration for keepin' it real, G. Who cares what non-neo-conservatives think anyways? Those misguided liberal pawns are just relics from a nonpartisan bureaucracy. After all, how can you get an agenda through if every decision maker on every level doesn't completely agree with you?

Thank goodness our chief climate negotiator Harlan Watson was able to see through this petty attempt by the rest of the world to trick us into a serious dialogue about improving the environment.

"If it walks like a duck and talks like duck, it's a duck," Watson said before storming out of the meeting.

The global community then displayed its shameful inability to comprehend the subtleties of the American hubris as one of the delegates responded, "I don't understand your reference to a duck. What about this document is like a duck?"

Unfortunately for liberal earth-lovers, the Bush administration won't use the same logic when considering global warming. This year is on pace to be the hottest in recorded history, Greenland's icecaps continue to deteriorate, ocean water levels rise at a quickening pace, and increasing ocean temperatures are suspected to have played a role in the intensity of this hurricane season. If it walks and talks like a duck, it is a duck right?

Not so says President Bush, who claims the verdict is still out on global warming. Whenever Judge Bush finally does receive it from the jury, he'd better be prepared to accept the consequences of his inaction. My guess is that he — like others who refuse to recognize any argument that might hurt their bottom line — is comforted by knowing they won't be around for the worst of global warming.

Bassey Etim ([email protected]) is a sophomore majoring in journalism and political science.