While volunteering at the local grade school Arnold was approached by a fifth grader inquiring about the purpose of Valentine’s Day. Arnold was caught off guard by this question, as the holiday was nearly a month away. Nonetheless, I replied to the child, “The point of Valentine’s Day is to get tail, and by getting tail I mean …” I stopped for a rare moment of reflection. Is this truly the point of Valentine’s Day?

Valentine’s Day has always been a holiday which Arnold has had mountable success with the ladies. Over the past four years, Arnold has been fortunate to acquire tail on every Valentine’s Day with the exception of one, and that was really due to a miscommunication — I thought she accepted checks, baby! Anyways, Arnold is not here to pontificate on the subject of getting tail on Valentine’s Day, because that’s not what the world’s oldest holiday is about.

Bear with Arnold, here. Valentine’s Day is a day of romanticism and candy. It goes way back to when Cupid was around and he shot arrows at people (hard). While Arnold has never gotten hit by an arrow, he’s sure laid his arrow into many ladies over the past years. Now, despite Arnold’s obsession with tail, Arnold believes Valentine’s Day is also about entertaining the lady. And, since Valentine’s Day is here, Arnold thought he would share some of his step-by-step V-Day advice with the readers in order for them to have an “A-grade V-Day” (baby).

Step one, baby — obtain a date. This can be the most nerve-racking stage of the Valentine’s Day stress, but Arnold suggests hanging out at the Union and College Library, where the ladies are quite sympathetic to producing a phone number (trust Arnold). However, stay away from co-ops unless you like women who don’t subscribe to deodorant. If the Union or College Library isn’t your scene, you can always try Peace Park, but don’t say the A-Bot didn’t warn you.

Flowers. Ladies love flowers, especially the ones (ladies, not flowers) without hairy armpits. Arnold suggests hitting up Chloe’s in University Square, the temporary flower stand on Library Mall, the backyard, or even the greenhouse in Birge Hall. Remember, it’s the thought that counts, and even some handpicked dandelions can get you to third base — I mean, get a girl to like you. However, stay away from the Venus Fly Traps, baby! The head of the penis is very sensitive and those plants know it!

After the flowers have been scored, a nice dinner should be in store. Now, in the past Arnold has experimented with various establishments in Madison for V-Day dinners, so lend Arnold your ears. Stay away from the heart-shaped pizza from Rocky Roccoco’s unless you’re looking to do some baking in the Dutch oven, gentlemen. Also, Arnold has done the Noodles and Radical Rye bit but with mediocre feedback; and while Milan’s sounds Italian, it isn’t quite Italy.

Therefore, Arnold suggests hitting up an upper class steak restaurant like the Whitehorse inn, Delmonico’s, or The Tornado Room. The Whitehorse usually has nice Valentine’s Day specials which go easy on the A-Bomb’s pocketbook, (since his ethics T.A. job doesn’t pay very much), and the food is definitely palatable. Go for the lobster, boys, and definitely wine.

Liquor is an essential component to creating a relaxed atmosphere on V-day … the date will go much more smoothly. Again, trust Arnold, don’t disgust Arnold.

Ok, dinner has terminated, its time for the bill. Arnold doesn’t care if this is the 21st century of dating –pick up the tab, boys.

In addition, be sure to get some of those mints wherever you go, but no toothpicks because you will look completely lame, Arnold guarantees it. Where to next? How about a nice walk down State Street? The weather on Valentine’s Day will be perfect (trust Arnold again, he’s got connections), since the groundhog came out and saw his shadow.

The rest is up to you. Arnold likes to throw in a few vodka shots and then all aboard the A-train for a nice rail-mixer. However, the fairytale ending is totally up to you, readers. One thing is for sure — follow the A-Ball’s advice and your baby won’t forget it. Planned Parenthood certainly won’t forget Arnold after last year, as their billing department is quite diligent with their work. Seems easy, right, boys? So, if you’re having trouble, toss a shoutout to Arnold. Remember — Be creative, be yourself, be confident, be-lieve, baby!

Finally, a foolproof poem to accompany your flowers:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Arnold said V-Day

Is (not) about porking you (softly).

Andrew Krueger is a senior majoring in chemistry. Mike Smiley is a second-year medical student at St. Louis University. They routinely post feedback at www.badgerherald.com under the assumed name “Arnold,” may be reached at [email protected], and claim they couldn’t get tail if they tried.