In response to the antics during last Monday’s ASM meeting, the Badger Herald editorial board sat down around the conference table early last evening to issue our typical indictment of the hopelessly ineffective student government establishment. ASM’s quorum was disrupted during its most recent meeting when a group of council members rose and left the room, repeating the antics witnessed several weeks ago for what appear to have been similar motivations.
However, while working out the language of our scathing and insightful commentary, we ran into some rather trying roadblocks. Lars and Christine, visibly upset over Katie’s obvious problem with subject-verb agreement in the third paragraph and her subsequent refusal to budge on any changes, left the meeting in disgust. Fifteen minutes later, no one in the office could find them; the three remaining members suspected the disappearance had to involve some sort of romantic tryst.
A.J., who always harbored a less-than-secret admiration for Christine’s precise application of syntax, retired to a bar, feeling spurned and envious. That left Katie and Eric to hash out the remainder of the editorial.
If the evening couldn’t get any worse, Katie was thoroughly upset at Eric’s proposal to label ASM a “shut-in bunch of wannabe fascists in earth shoes.” She immediately accused him of being racist, judgmental, bigoted, egotistical, pigeon-toed, and a known gun owner.
When Lars and Christine returned shortly thereafter, having furiously battled a particularly vicious paper jam at the copy machine, Katie’s epithets were reaching a crescendo. Lars, eager to stir the pot for reasons unknown, immediately jumped in and added counts of insensitivity and bad breath to Eric’s growing list of charges. Christine, in a desperate effort to remain viewpoint-neutral, refused to come to the opinion content editor’s defense, maintaining only that his oral hygiene might come into question on appeal.– On the verge of tears, his self-esteem crushed, Cullen gushed out an impromptu confession of all of his inner demons in an attempt to prove his moral worth. In the midst of this display, he dispensed a previously unknown morsel — he’s gay.
All charges were dropped on the spot and apologies were flying left and right just as A.J. stumbled loudly into the room, heavily intoxicated. To make something out of the night’s madness, we instead resolved to kick him off the board, being that he was the only straight, white, rich, gun-toting, conservative male left, and we agreed his blasphemy need not poison our spotless editorials any longer. Plus, we gathered he’d be used to this sort of thing by now.
We promise to tackle ASM again shortly, pending Mr. Hughes’ appeal.
