I almost feel guilty giving this to you. It’s not that this strategy guide is all that rare — every college student eventually unearths at least some of these gems, and some discover more. But I am sparing you the pain and suffering of the learning process, like an old dog showing the new ones the boundaries of their electronic collars before they are given the chance to find them on their own.

For many of you, your first real exposure to the college life comes at summer orientation — basically a two-day walking tour with the one truly important function of teaching new students the complex process of scheduling at UW-Madison. Since the whole scheduling process goes by in a whir — most of the time you are just trying to figure out what all the symbols and numbers mean — I thought I would help. I know what many of you are thinking because I was there, and I can tell you what you might have messed up while you still have time to change your schedule.

For those of you who would rather endure a few shocks in order to find the electronic fence on your own, stop reading now. For those who would rather learn the easy way, read on ?

You: “High school started at 8 in the morning, and I was able to get up for that. These 7:45 a.m. and 8:50 a.m. classes should be a breeze.”

Reality: Freshmen are the only ones keeping early-morning classes alive at this university.

Very soon after coming to college, most people face two harsh realities: 1) No matter how hard you try to get to bed at a decent hour, you’ll end up finding some excuse to stay up until 2 a.m., and 2) Mom isn’t there to drag your ass out of bed in the morning. By the end of the first semester, you’ll be sleeping through early-morning lectures (either in your bed or at your desk) and/or napping away your afternoons when you get back from class. Save yourself the pain.

You: “I’m not planning on majoring in math or science, but I got pretty good grades in high school chemistry and biology. Maybe I should take it my first semester ? and there?s a lab too! That?ll be fun.”

Reality: Even the science majors hate introductory science classes.

They are capable of single-handedly ruining your first semester. The labs are long and the lectures are painful. The time commitment will soon overwhelm the rest of your classes. And unless you are both very, very good at science at very, very interested in the class, you can kiss your dreams of a 4.0 GPA goodbye. Non-majors, sign up at your own risk.

You: “My schedule is perfect: 15 credits, four classes and they all seem interesting. I’m totally set for next semester.”

Reality: One of those classes will be one you actually enjoy, one will involve writing 14 different papers and taking 5 exams, one will have a professor who speaks like Keith Richards on speed and one will be cancelled for lack of enrollment.

Always enroll for a back-up class. Go to all your classes the first week, evaluate the professor, take a look at your expected workload and tell the weakest link goodbye. But unlike the TV show’s evil Ann Robinson, you don’t even have to tell your professor face to face; you can drop the class easily and impersonally over the phone.

* * *

You: “I lined up my schedule so I have an hour or two off between all of my classes. My breaks will be just like study halls in high school — I’ll get so much done!”

Reality: Your schedule involves a series of lectures interspersed with a series of naps, crossword puzzles and meals at some overpriced campus deli.

You: ?I don?t know anything about my professors, but the class titles seem interesting — I’m sure I?ll enjoy them.”

Reality: The professor has much more to do with your level of enjoyment in any given class than its subject — and there aren?t that many good professors out there.

Going into a class with no information about the professor is like opting for the mystery prize behind door number two: Sometimes there’s a sailboat or a new car, usually there’s a boxed set of “Little Nicky” trading cards or a lifetime supply of creamed corn. After first semester, get as much intelligence regarding other professors as you can from fellow students. For now, you would be well served to check out the most recent course evaluations on the student government website, www.asm.wisc.edu.

There are, of course, more personal preferences you will discover along the way. But the above general principles are a solid foundation for anyone?s scheduling needs, and maybe they?ll save you a few painful lessons from running too freely and carelessly through the minefield that is scheduling at UW.

Matt Lynch ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in political science and English.