When UW-Madison junior Buffy Spink was looking for a new roommate two years ago, her boyfriend of three and a half years, returning second-year student Greg Stahl, was also searching for a place to live. The couple decided moving in together would be a simple solution to both housing problems.
Spink and Stahl are part of an increasing number of Americans cohabiting — or living together — before or instead of getting married.
According to the 2000 U.S. Census, 4.9 million unmarried men and women cohabitate, a dramatic rise from the 500,000 Americans living together in 1970.
While these statistics include couples of all ages, a growing number of young people are choosing to cohabitate.
“The new thing in the last 30 years is younger people living together,” said UW sociology professor John DeLamater. “Some studies find that 6 to 8 percent cohabitate on some colleges campuses.”
UW psychology professor Janet Hyde said many young people cohabitate and delay marriage. The average age for getting married was 21 or 22 in past years, but it has risen to 25 or 26.
“People are getting married later now and living together around the time they used to get married,” Hyde said.
Numerous studies have tried to determine why cohabitation is popular among young people. Some experts believe the ideologies and morals of college-aged students influence their lifestyle decisions.
“The literature on college students has shown they’re more politically and socially liberal and less religious,” DeLamater said.
Also, many of today’s young people witnessed bad marriages and divorces growing up and may be apprehensive about entering into a marriage without a strong sense of their compatibility with their partner.
Although cohabitation is common among young couples, for most it is a serious decision. Some worry about how living together will change their relationship.
Recent UW alumna Pattie Quigley said she had concerns about moving in with her boyfriend, senior Trip Dale. Although they were often together in the year they had dated, she was unsure if their compatibility would change by living in the same apartment.
“I was afraid our personalities would conflict if we were together all the time,” Quigley said.
DeLamater said young couples in particular have difficulty adjusting to the intimacy of cohabitation.
Spink said while she and Stahl plan to marry in the future, she had reservations about living together during college. She said adjusting to cohabitation came in stages.
“At first, you’re playing house a little bit,” she said. “Then it’s like, ‘If I see your socks on the floor one more time, I’m going to kill you.’ But after a while, you give in a little on both sides.”
Stahl agreed the adjustment was difficult at first.
“It took some initial time to get used to it,” he said.
Most experts and cohabiters agree couples should discuss financial and household issues before moving in together. Many warn not to live together if saving money is the motivation.
“It isn’t a good idea to cohabitate to save money,” DeLamater said. “Finances are one of the most common things people fight about.”
Professors also consider it wise for couples to decide how they will divide belongings and expenses if they break up. They must also consider legal commitments such as leases, experts said.
“You have a financial obligation that goes on for 12 months, whether or not you’re still together,” DeLamater said.
Couples should also consider parental support in deciding whether to live together, DeLamater said.
Neither Spink’s nor Stahl’s parents approved of their decision to cohabitate.
“Our parents were against it from the beginning,” she said. “His parents still refuse to step foot in our apartment.”
While their parents’ disapproval has not deterred the couple from living together, it has put a strain on their relationships with their parents.
Numerous studies have shown relationships of cohabiting couples do not last as long as those who do not live together due to conflicts within and outside of the cohabiting relationships.
“One-third of cohabiting arrangements last less than one year,” DeLamater said.
However, many experts believe partners in strong and healthy relationships can successfully transition to marriage or have a long-term cohabiting relationship.
“Living together shouldn’t be an issue,” Hyde said. “It should be an advantage, provided it’s a good-quality relationship.”
Dale said while cohabitation may be risky for some couples, it may actually help others, since living together is practical preparation for marriage or long-term relationships.
“You’re finding out the other person’s flaws before you move to the next level,” he said.
Spink said while living with a partner can strain a relationship, she believes it is worthwhile for couples with a serious commitment.
“It probably is true that couples who live together are more likely to break up,” she said. “There are more complications, more sources for arguments. But that doesn’t mean it’s not something you should do if you’re ready. It can be a great thing if you’re ready.”
