Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.
In heartbreaking news relating to conflict resolution, the Basbro corporation has released an update to their old Furby model, removing their ability to absorb the human soul through their beak-things. This change has had severe and lasting negative consequences on the stock prices of the Basbro Corporation, and has led to multiple layoffs at the ground level for the toy corporation.
In the past, Furbies have been renowned for their efficient, easy-to-understand way of intimidating and threatening bullies, political opponents or people you have petty grudges with. The latest design update has, however, deeply affected the selling point of Furbies as a competitive part of the toy industry.
“Previously I could have sold Furbies to people from the special forces of any first rate military to any average kid being bullied by troublemakers much bigger and stronger than them. The soul absorption was really a key selling point,” said Furby designer and professional scary-looking person Dave Hampton after receiving the news of the Corporation’s adjustment to the Furby Design.
“Before I had retired from the toy making industry I was hoping to sell the Furby to Raytheon as a highly effective weapon in the arsenal of peace. Now that I see that Basbro has utterly given up on our patriotic, peacekeeping intentions, I’m discouraged as to the direction of our country and my own former employers.”
The current representatives of the Basbro Corporation have responded, indicating that while they appreciate the effectiveness of the previous design, they do not wish for the power of soul destruction to be reallocated into the hands of children or people that may use them to shake up the current proper social and economic order.
“Listen I really appreciate Furbies, I was able to earn the position of Basbro CEO by stuffing one into the toiletries case of our previous officer on his family trip to Disneyland”
Said real, actual human and current Basbro CEO Chris “Cocks” Cocks.
“However, what if another up-and-coming executive officer decides to take my lead and drop a tactical furby in my suitcase on a family trip? We might as well be anarchists if that’s all it takes for people to get promotions. Also uhhh the children, they shouldn’t be Furbying their friends without the maturity to know how to gain capital from it.”
However, many ambitious children have been left saddened by their inability to use the widely accessible toy to gain power in their own ways.
“I really wanted to become student council president, but now I have to run in a fair election against Kevin, and he’s too popular for me”
Said ambitious seventh grader Donald McRegean upon finding out about the change.
“Now it looks like I gotta make up stories about his tax policy to get to the top of the middle school”
