A major scientific breakthrough this Tuesday evening officially classifies the four weeks after undergrad spring break, into finals, as mathematically equivalent to three light years. This profound discovery aligns with much of the thinking of undergraduate college students– reporting significant spikes in stress levels and work load.
Astrology major Tom Bom told The Badger Herald, “I’ve been sending emails to NASA about this for years, it just doesn’t make sense. The vibes are completely off. You can’t tell me that April has 30 days when I’ve spent at least six centuries in the basement of Memorial Library since Monday morning. It’s a literal rift in the space-time continuum.” he added, while adjusting a telescope pointed directly at the State Street Taco Bell.
Lead investigators at the Institute of Academic Inertia confirm that this phenomenon, known as the Great April Slog, is triggered by a volatile mix of seasonal allergies and the sudden realization that “participation points” actually matter. According to the report, the closer a student gets to a cumulative final, the slower time moves, eventually reaching a state of terminal stasis where a single Canvas notification can age a person by forty years.
“I opened my computer one afternoon, and by the time I logged in I was sitting on a park bench with my children watching Tesla robots push them down slides,” said UW Madison junior Sarah Barah. “I hadn’t even finished the header for my English essay.” Distressing reports like this have been flooding the Badger Herald inbox.
Experts have declared that the only way to steady your internal clock during this Great April Slog is to consume a minimum of 3 Redbulls a day and increase screen time by 85%. Stay safe out there, Badgers.
