Everybody posts on Instagram — from the cats who have the never-changing schtick of smelling different foods and gagging, to the people who churn out poorly dubbed AI-generated fruit Love Island episodes with the production view of one press of a button, to virtually everyone around you.

Even though it is such a commonplace act, each post down to the hue and saturation of its pixelated constitution is refined with at least some bit of intention. And even beyond just the post itself, there is the entire other consideration of the wide amount of people who will be viewing it. Here are the top five most notable people you have to consider before you push that formidable post button, offering up your contribution as a cog in this complex machine.

1. Your unreconciled situationship 

We’re really coming out of the gates strongly with this one. When you two were “together” (which really does not feel all that much different from now, save for the lack of a “Wyd??” text appearing in your notification banner at 2AM on (some) Saturday nights), you almost exclusively communicated through the unique conduit of communication which is story posting.

You’d post selfies that you just “happened” to take, lips puckered, full beat makeup casually done, and a perfectly coordinated outfit just because. Even though these posts were exclusively posted for them to see and strategically pumped out at least somewhat in the general vicinity of Saturday in hopes of an invitation, you could still reasonably claim that these were posted for your sake.

Now that there is no prospect of a Saturday invitation being dangled, you must work especially hard. No more iPhone back camera — time to blow off the dust on your mother’s old Canon digital camera, where the last photo taken was you splashing around like a dingus in the lazy river at the Dells. Upon posting with this person in mind, consider what will earn you a story like or even a slide up with wordless reply of a tongue-out emoji. Consider what will make them wish they would have invited you over on all Saturdays AND some Sundays. 

2. Your ex best friend’s mom 

You once called her “Mom,” no, actually, you slipped up and in an unforgettable gaffe referred to her as your own mother. But, now that you and your long time buddy turned enemy have now mutually unpinned one another on your iMessage contact pins, her mom has also fallen by the wayside.

Now not only an opp, but the direct source who conferred the gift of life upon your greatest opp, she is an opp redoubled. She is the ubermensch of opps. Even if your ex best friend has snootily unfollowed you, you can bet your bottom dollar that in a lapse of forgetting that her mom even follows you and the faint desire to hold on to the last vestige of your friendship, her mom still follows you. She is no passive follower.

Now that your ex best friend no longer provides her with insider information into your life, she now roleplays as Sherlock Holmes and after stalking your mother on Facebook, alternates to your sitting duck of an Instagram profile In one simple swipe, she can come across something she would reply to with “What would your mother think?” It’s elementary, Dear Watson.

Upon posting with this person in mind, consider what will fend off her insatiable appetite for judgement. Do not post something even remotely disreputable for then she and your ex best friend will have a garden’s worth of dirt on you. No, for as long as you know she is monitoring your posts, pretend as though Instagram is LinkedIn, and even if contrived, post a picture or a few five or so stories about all of your recent accomplishments. Matter of fact, make it its own highlight reel. Once she has a look-see at your new summer internship, instead of gossiping about you, she will tell her daughter to be more like you. 

3. Your aunt or perhaps older cousin 

Whether it be your aunt or your older cousin, this person inhabits something of a nebulous avuncular role in your life. The most you’ve ever connected with her was when your hands accidentally brushed upon her passing the mashed potatoes to you at Thanksgiving. She certainly does not demonstrate a clear level of consideration before posting, running the gamut between being a borderline Minion memepage, pictures of her downing copious amounts of alcohol, and somehow, Bible verses with the caption “So true, bless.”

Upon posting with this person in mind, consider posting something that won’t exactly give her substantiation to raise an eyebrow at you at the next family gathering. Instead offer up a bid of connection, making her feel special with posting something such as your new boyfriend or your new cat you found on the side of the road and adopted.

Even though she has to hesitate a moment before remembering your name, she now can feel special that you have allowed her a porthole into your life. Before Grandma knows about Kitten Boots the 3rd, she does. Now you will have one more to talk about than just mashed potatoes next time you see one another, even if it really is only one more thing…

4. The girl you want to be (on the low) 

You’ve known her since you were, to use the language of our time, your unevolved chud self. But, now that you have experimented with identity and significantly (at least hopefully, so help us God) moved up the ranks of coolness, you have a defined sense of self, far removed (heaven help us) from chuddy-ness.

Even though you are your own person, you can’t deny that if a fairy godmother materialized and asked you what your wish was, you’d instantly blurt out “to become her”. All of her posts act as kaleidoscopic reflections of her radiant coolness. Somehow she has tapped into the calibration of the unspoken formula of what is cool to post. With a masterful dash of variety, she intermixes these with a dump of photos that are somehow simultaneously random, funny, and irresistibly cool, all while convincing you and everyone else that it is all completely effortless.

She is the more distinguished version of reality TV, always somehow able to always capture these organic moments. Upon posting with this person in mind, consider how you can emulate her style. Pfft, forget about being original, baby. That’s a myth. She stole her style of posting from other cool girls and those cool girls, the cool girls before them.

Act as though she is passing you the torch. Light the scene aflame with a bombshell post. Ensure the following: that your caption is witty, not exposing the overextension of brain cells it took to think of, the poses you affect are not standard and seem as though they are candid, and that the song you post to has less than 10 other posts posted to it across the entire worldwide app. She will emerge from your post feeling thoroughly trounced and you will become her new blueprint. 

5. The man who wants so desperately to be your sugar daddy 

Now, this may be the most critically important one. Want a stable monetary future? Then buckle up, buttercup, because things are about to get real and the stakes high. A username comprised of a ridiculously long strain of numbers and letters requested to message you months ago.

Not opening it, thinking it a scam, you squandered the opportunity of a lifetime. Out of curiosity and in lieu of having your now ex situationship to send abbreviations to, you opened it. You found to your half surprise and half chagrin that user Gg112sjskp812 wanted to be your sugar daddy. He believes that you are God’s gift to Earth solely because of the sheer beauty you’ve displayed on your Instagram profile.

Upon posting with this person in mind, consider the fact that you need to keep their attention for foreseeable financial gain. You didn’t have post grad plans? You have some now! But, it’s all predicated on making sure you continue to post beautiful, cool pictures that he can comment “My sweetheart darling dearest” underneath. Just as the wise sage Abby Lee Miller of Dance Moms once declared, “Everyone is replaceable.”

Keep being your beautiful self and maybe just maybe those promises of money offered by Gg112sjskp812 will come to fruition. It’s either that or … well, it’s really all you have going for you. So, you really got to hone in those posting skills if you want heat and electricity next month.