There’s the Historical Society, College Library, the Business School, the Education Building — a plethora of options. Wherever you are, whatever mood you’re in, you’re always ensured an easily-accessible study spot that meets all your academia needs. That’s what’s so special about the University of Wisconsin — there’s someplace for everyone.
Unfortunately, that includes the freaks: otherwise known as those who study at the Memorial Library cages.
Oh, you’ve never seen this two-by-two nightmare of an enclosure people call a “study spot”? Well, allow me to walk you through it. For starters, imagine the lighting of a Hollister built in 2003, in the middle of your hometown mall. You just walked into this room full of bookshelves and took a sharp right. The air smells faintly of closet with an uncomfortable hint of humidity, and you have an essay due at 11:59 tonight. You don’t have so much as a thesis.
The blue (or gray, you don’t know) paint is chipping on all three walls — except for, of course, the chain link fence. Despite the cages’ reputation for being a secluded study spot away from distraction, you can hear every single breath from the person sitting in the cage one over. He coughs, and you’re waking up with a cold tomorrow. Now, this may sound like your personal nightmare. If so, congratulations — you’re normal. For others, we at The Badger Herald have some concern.
To get a deeper sense as to why some students prefer this dungeon when engaging in academic activity, we interviewed Sam — a junior here at UW studying business analytics. Sam says he “cannot perform unless bound by a lock and key,” and finds it “unjust” when “shamed” by his peers. “It just hurts so good,” Sam told us, “I can’t get enough.”
Sam’s friend, Mark, was also present during Sam’s interview. He opted to share his perspective. “People act like you’re stuck in there forever,” Mark said, “you’re not. All you have to do is say ‘uncle’ and someone comes to let you out.” In response to our visibly stunned reactions, Mark followed with, “Well it doesn’t have to be ‘uncle’. Just whatever your safe-word is.” When asked why he never chose to study at College Library, Sam deemed the building “vanilla.”
After conducting this hands-on research, I think we can all gather a collective conclusion: those who study at the Memorial Library cages are undoubtedly into S&M. There’s no other explanation, quite frankly. Why else would one purposefully subject themselves to such brutal restraint, all in the name of “academia”? One does not simply “go to Memorial.” One submits to it.
But all jokes aside, we don’t kink shame. If a torture chamber is the only place that gives you above a 3.0, by all means, go ahead. That’s why all proceeds from this article will go toward our fund to supply Memorial Library cage-goers with complementary fuzzy handcuffs and leather whips. Please contact The Badger Herald personally to make a more generous donation — all is appreciated.
