The new semester is upon us Badgers, and the time has unfortunately come to become the insanely productive person you told yourself you’d magically transform into last fall. But do not worry — I have compiled a handy list with a few steps you can take to reach your plethora of goals. Once completed, you’ll end spring semester with confidence, telling yourself, “Wow. This was my semester.” So follow along, success is within reach.
1) Consistently wake up 20 minutes before class starts
10 minutes before is ridiculous, 30 is far too early. 20? Perfect. This gives you just enough time to come fashionably late to class, while still being able to blame the bus system.
2) Reward yourself prematurely
Buy an $8 coffee for every ¼ page of your essay you write. After two pages, buy Candy Cloud.
3) Neurotically run multiple DARS
Double, triple, quadruple check that you’re actually on track to graduate. Attempt to plan every semester’s schedule for the rest of your degree. Fail.
4) Open a separate bank account solely for the $15 fee when you skip your workout class
You can’t even wake up for your 9:55, what makes you think hot pilates at 6 a.m. is your vibe?
5) Romanticize next week
Fall in love with the idea of tomorrow, and tell yourself you’re just excited for the future. Tomorrow I’ll do it! Next week I’ll be better!
6) Indulge in the occasional identity crisis
Tell yourself you hate your major. This is not what you want to do with your life. Briefly consider applying for the business school, but quickly come to your senses. Move on.
7) Spam-email your advisor
Force her to reassure you of every academia-related thought that pops into your head. Start an email thread that you’ll continue talking in for a year. Apologize profusely every time you ask a question.
8) Experiment casually with your cardiovascular health
Purchase “glacier” and “apple crisp” flavored Bloom energy drinks on your mom’s Costco card in bulk. Experience heart palpitations. Schedule an appointment with UHS.
9) Only talk to people in your classes when you’re at the bar
Why would you make new friends sober when you can drunkenly tell your classmate she’s beautiful, then never speak to her again?
10) Start all emails with “I hope this email finds you well” when asking if there’s a curve
How professional, how kind! This will surely increase your GPA by at least one full point.
Now, the final step is key — arguably the most important. Act shocked that you achieved nothing. In the end, you won’t become the person you planned to be. But you will pass. Barely. Caffeinated. Palpitating. And honestly, that counts.
