Editors Note: This story is satirical.
In news of the more festive variety, a string of grand theft auto incidents have been reported in the Madison/Middleton area and local residents are shocked to learn that the source may be an Elf on the Shelf. To find out if the malicious miniature was maybe too high on the Christmas spirit or had drank too much Eggnog, the extremely self-aware reporters of The Badger Herald banter section Naruto-ran into the streets to investigate this matter of private property safety.
Hoping to get a scoop by interviewing the shelfish Elf on the Shelf that probably partook in this particular piece of pitiless plundering, we started our investigation by parking a 2000 Mazda Protege out in the middle of the gritty, crime-ridden Langdon streets. Unbeknownst to any potential ne’er do elves looking to score the car of a lifetime, we had attached a high tech tracking device to the back of the vehicle.
Unfortunately, come next morning, the car had gone out of the tracking system’s range. With The Badger Herald’s whole budget emptied into procuring the 2000 Mazda Protege and my not having any more string at home, we switched to more noir methods. Using The Badger Herald’s underground contact, Santa-themed fixer Kris Krump’em, we were given the directions to the elf’s hideout as long as we promised to be nice for the rest of the month.
The inside of the abandoned shelf factory was lit only by the soft glow of Christmas lights and what meager rays streamed through the worn exterior. On the highest and most ornate shelf, the elf of the moment sat with hands clasped together.
“Ey buddeh I’m sure yer wonderin what a little bloke like me is doin’ takin’ all these chap’s rides innit?” He asked with a weirdly gruff British accent typical of properly-paid factory laborers since the 1800s. “Seen ya comin’ a mile ‘o way, sneakin about and all that. These Elf on the Shelf eyes see all.”
Despite the fact that our subtle investigation had been blown from the start, we remained calm and pressed the elf with the hard questions. How could one work for a benevolent, wise paternalist like Santa Claus and perform such evil deeds?
“Ya’ tosser, the boss ordered it,” the elf said. “We’ve been runnin’ outta coal for the stockings of the gits on the naughty list and now we’ve decided to get back at ‘em by forcing them to take public transportation instead.”
With the mystery of the evil Elf on the Shelf solved and even with a punchy little twist, the reporters of The Badger Herald wished the elf a good day, happily packed up and headed out. We originally had planned to report the stolen items and the thief to local law enforcement, but Santa’s naughty and nice list is the only objective measurement of a person’s character and we didn’t want to interfere with justice.
