Editor’s Note: This article is satirical.
In a recent turn of events that has led to medical professionals taking the day off to curl up in a fetal position and question the nature of reality — humanity has finally evolved to its next state of existence in the form of Larry “Lake Drinking” Landrey. Famous for his refined taste in freshwater beverages, he had sampled the warm, foamy summer waters of lakes from Monona to Mendota.
After enjoying a splash of Mendota water over ice in the morning, he reported to the hospital when he started feeling an uneasy sense of mental wellbeing and lack of general body pains. Within hours he would emerge a completely changed being.
Where once stood an affable, middle-aged man there was now a green, statuesque demigod, rippling with chiseled muscle. Glowing softly and hovering a few inches off the ground, the being — which scientists have dubbed Homo Sapiens 2 — speaks in the voice of neither man nor women, is blessed with universal knowledge and can add up all of the change in your pocket very fast.
“To put it scientifically, we have no goddamn clue what we’re looking at here,” said Lazarus Rememorial Hospital’s sole remaining doctor N.O. Johns. “Like I guess maybe the only thing missing from your natural digestive biome is raw, unfiltered lake water? I don’t know, maybe there was some radioactive … uh … stuff in the water? Y’know what, let’s just say it was the second one, that feels right.”
Johns finished the interview as he made his way out the exit and into his reasonably priced car. Following him was the newborn sequel — hovering proudly, nearly nudely through the doors in a crucifix pose that radiated power and wisdom. Eager to hear the words of the enlightened being, the media gathered around the hospital exit.
“Hear me all you who have left your development unfinished, ye who need to find answers in a turbulent world. What I say may help you find the next level of existence, the truths I have to unveil may come to you in times of great need. Consumerism is bad.”
Startled to have had their whole worlds shook by the great wisdoms of what was surely an entity of knowledge in front of them — the media members trembled — and failed to utter even a single question for the new member of the homo sapiens family. Completely uninterested anyway, and full of wisdom to give, the sort-of human continued.
“Even though it feels good in the moment, drinking is bad for you. It is extremely important to unplug from the internet and touch grass occasionally. Our endless lust for growth and the delusion that it could continue indefinitely has created a perversion of an economic system that will spell our downfall. Live laugh love.”
Unable to understand or even comprehend the truth bombs being dropped on them, the media members left in a huff. If you see “Lake Drinking” Larry around the isthmus, us in the media recommend you go up to him and pick a fight with him to shut his smarmy, know-it-all ass up.
