No matter your political alignments, there’s no denying that this campaign season has had about as much drama as the latest season of The Bachelor.
If you’re having trouble unraveling the tremendously complex personalities of this year’s final eight, you’re not alone. Maybe bringing them down to a more relatable sphere can help. Here they are as the buildings you know and love.
Gov. Jeb Bush, R-Florida: Noland Zoology Building
One look at Bush and you just can’t help but feel bad for the guy. Even Bush doesn’t want Bush to run. His face has “my mom made me come and I don’t have a ride home” written all over it.
By a similar token, Noland looks locked up by about 4:30 p.m. and probably wouldn’t care if the Chemistry Building bought the rights to its website. So Bush, you get Noland. There’s a lost and found on the first floor if you want to find your motivation to keep running.
Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas: Babcock Hall
Ted Cruz pledges not to provide gluten-free meals to the military https://t.co/615eMYFSQ2
— TIME.com (@TIME) February 18, 2016
Somehow, not the Onion.
Warrants no explanation.
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: North Hall
She’s certainly been around the longest, but even her most impassioned supporters have to cross their fingers behind their backs before they declare there isn’t a wrinkle in their trust for her.
North Hall is the oldest building on campus, but does anyone really know much about it? Would you trust your phone to get service in there? Doesn’t it seem like the computers in there are shady enough to maybe send an accidental email or two?
Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Florida: Van Hise
Due to Rubio’s complete inability to understand the mechanisms behind societal privilege and equity, if he were a building, he would definitely have an elevator that only serviced those at the top. It would ignore the first three floors full of hardworking students just doing their best, as if they meant nothing at all.
Ben Carson: Science Hall
Science Hall was erected to host all general science classes, but is now dedicated to the Department of Geography. This fits perfectly for the only neurosurgeon in the country to publicly denounce vaccinations, and who never really seems to know where he is.
Sen. Bernie Sanders, I-Vermont: Gordon Avenue Market
Man, does he attract the millennials. Man, does he like giving out random free stuff with no real explanation of how it got there or who paid for it. Man, has no one in Gordon’s brushed their hair.
Gov. John Kasich, Ohio: Agriculture Hall
Finding out you have a class in Ag Hall means dropping that class faster than Kasich is probably going to drop this campaign.
Donald Trump: Humanities
Everyone who supports Donald Trump is either lost, incredibly confused or asleep — the three globally recognized buzzwords for the Humanities building. Also, seeing as it is a complete mess, everyone said it wouldn’t last — yet here it is. You couldn’t avoid looking at it if you wanted to.
Perhaps this will provide some clarity come the primaries and the generals. Compared to the ordinary citizen, you are now an above-average educated voter. God bless America.