COORDINATES: [43º 4′ 33″ N, 89º 24′ 4″ W]

ALTITUDE: 270 meters above sea level

The spirit of exploration is foundational to the progress of humankind. Over the years, curiosity and the desire for progress has led to the discovery of groundbreaking new technology, territory and knowledge.

But this pursuit can have dire consequences. On many occasions, our foolish inquisitiveness yields horrifying finds that would perhaps have been best left undiscovered.

I learned this lesson very recently, when my quest for new and exotic toilets led me to the basement of the red brick colossus known as Science Hall.

Craps on campus: Dropping charges at the Law School lavatories

If you’ve toured the infamous island prison of Alcatraz, then you’ve already got a pretty good idea of what the interior of this ghastly bathroom looks like. A lofty ceiling caps off a daunting, cavernous chamber saturated with exposed plumbing, peeling paint and cracked tile. This is a solemn, lonely room, where levity and happiness have no home.

Two sickly fluorescent tube bulbs cast insufficient light upon this capacious commode, leaving large sections to wallow in dubious shadow. Painted copper pipes snake across the walls and ceiling like metal serpents. Aging white paint on ancient brick walls cracks and peels like blistered skin. Rust is expansive and inescapable, spreading across stall walls and eating away at every metal pipe and fixture available.

Craps on campus: Perfect poops in Human Ecology’s defecation dream world

Every piece of hardware in the stalls has clearly been replaced, moved or half-assedly repaired countless times. It’s as though MacGyver in his old age has given up a life of Hollywood crime fighting and settled for a part-time janitorial job barely maintaining a ghastly basement bathroom using illogical DIY fixes. Fixtures like stall latches, toilet paper holders and faucet taps are sporadic and uneven, seemingly cobbled together from spare parts found at a plumbing-themed rummage sale.

While the exterior of Science Hall is a pleasantly antiquated artifact of bygone architecture, it’s beyond clear that its interiors have done the exact opposite of aging gracefully. The degree of dereliction goes beyond aesthetic impediment and borders on downright terrifying. It’s a surprise that this restroom is visited by anyone besides location scouts for the “Saw” franchise.

This repulsive potpourri of mismatched and neglected lavatorial components is mashed together with careless indifference, the final product being a composition so wildly remiss that you might actually improve it by shitting in it.

 Specifics 

Temperature: Acceptably warm

Noise: Unnervingly quiet

Traffic: Surprisingly busy given how much of a wreck this place is

Lighting: Only appropriate for an early Hitchcock film

Stalls: One handicap, two standard, one extra small, all terrible

Toilet paper: Transluscent one-ply

Sinks: Four, with dual hot/cold faucets

Dryers: One Cold War-era paper towel dispenser

Cell phone service: One to two bars, decent wifi

Toilet automatic flush: As if

Graffiti: Sure, who cares at this point

Overall rating: 1/5