It’s no secret that Generation Z is in the midst of a loneliness epidemic, with 73% reporting they feel alone sometimes or always. The life of a young adult is already tumultuous, but with the added pressure of social media, it makes sense that we are feeling isolated. Regardless of what the root cause is, Gen Z has a serious friendship issue that is definitely not helping our mental health.
The current culture calls for hyper-independence, finding solace in loving yourself compulsively and celebrating “low-maintenance” friendships. I admit, there are things to be learned in setting boundaries and self-development. Clearly people agree–just look at how many likes these Youtube and TikTok videos have about these topics.
But have we gone too far? As radical self-love content becomes more popular, we’re getting lonelier. Maybe we’re too busy looking in the mirror to look around us and connect.
To tell the truth, it’s easier than you may think to meet new people—especially in Madison, where at any given moment, you can be around people you’ve never interacted with before. Anyone who knows me today would probably scoff and say, ‘well you’re a social butterfly. It’s much harder for people with anxiety or introverts.’ But those people did not have the delight of trying to have a conversation with me a few years ago.
I was the person who was so shy I could barely make eye contact with classmates without crying. You can imagine how fun middle school was for me … anyway, I told myself I was going to learn how to be less awkward and gain some people skills. Here’s what I’ve learned since the 6th grade locker room:
Confidence beats looks every time
People don’t want to be your friend because of what you look like unless they’re shallow (and you don’t want those people as friends anyways). What matters most is having the confidence to talk to others and keeping your head up when you enter a room. You can try all the glow-up hacks you find and still struggle with making friends because you’re too scared to put yourself out there.
To be interesting, be interested
Ask people questions about themselves and actually engage with them! Small talk is awkward, but it’s a skill you’ll need in the real world. It helps to have a general understanding of current events, major media happenings and sports news to find some common ground.
Focus on the positive
Talking badly about others or coming off as negative will not make people want to be friends with you. Even if you connect with someone over your mutual dislike over someone else, that’s not a healthy foundation for a real friendship.
Don’t judge people by their looks
If there’s one thing traveling has shown me, it’s to not be too quick to judge. Some people also have RBF’s, it’s not personal.
Grounding techniques
I still struggle with social anxiety, but I’ve found taking deep breaths, slowing down the pace of your talking and rubbing your thumb in your palm of the opposite hand helps.
Traits to look for
Seek out people who are kind, honest, or inspire you in some way. Having friends you can trust can change your life and help give you a support system.
If people are rude…
We’ve all been there—when we’re in a group, and someone makes a backhanded comment or singles us out. Instead of feeling embarrassed, ask the person “why did you say that?” Or, make sure to stand up for yourself while not stooping to their level. They’re the ones who should be embarrassed for needing to take someone down to lift themselves up.
I’ve made friends – how am I supposed to keep them?
These are a few tips about initially making friends; keeping them is harder. Let’s play out a scenario of two people who want to make new friends for different reasons, which one will probably be more successful and why.
Scenario 1: Kai is a sophomore and she hasn’t found her “friend group” yet. She desperately wants a group of friends to do things with—just like everyone else seems to have. Even if she wouldn’t ever say that out loud, her Pinterest boards are filled with ‘friend group activities.’ She decides to rush a sorority and feels that this might be her last chance to meet friends in college, so she changes her personality a bit to match the girls at the sorority house. At the same time, she ends up meeting a few people in her fashion and design class that she genuinely connects with. She ends up getting into the sorority, so she dedicates all her time to the people in it, and getting instagram-worthy photos for her social media. Her friends from class ask her to hangout, but she’s always busy. A year later, Kai realizes that she hasn’t made any friends in her sorority that she really feels she can trust, and even though her Pinterest images may reflect her outer life, on the inside she feels lonelier than ever.
Why was she not successful? Because Kai went after friendships with a sense of desperation, changed her own personality to be more palatable to others and prioritized what her friendships looked like over how they made her feel. If she would have been herself when she was rushing sororities, or chose to spend more time with her classmates that she genuinely connected with, she would have definitely been more successful! It’s never too late to start being yourself more and opening up, even if Kai starts now, she will find herself feeling a lot less lonely in no time.
Scenario 2: Dani’s a junior, and they have a group of friends they’ve known since the start of college. But, their group of friends makes them feel bad about wanting to try new things like going out less, meeting new people, or taking up a new hobby. It feels like they’re always judging Dani, so they decide to make new friends. They go to a few different student organization meetings, and meet a few people in a club that seem nice. Dani invites these people to the gym with them, and eventually to go out. Some of them are nice, but a bit too interested in materialistic things, so Dani decides to see them occasionally while still pursuing new friendships. A year later, Dani has a large community of friends that are all different. They feel like they finally have a foundation and can be themselves without judgement.
Why were they successful? Because Dani knew their own worth, but still kept an open mind in getting to know new people. They didn’t change who they were for anyone, but stepped outside of their comfort zone and prioritized how friendships felt over how they looked.
I hope this helps a few people out, because friendships are hard! If you want more advice on friendships or anything else, DM @badgerherald on Instagram or fill out this google form.
Yours truly,
R. Annon