10 Helpful Tips To Combat the ‘Freshman 15’

Summer’s end heralds the migration of thousands of dewy-eyed freshmen to the University of Wisconsin campus each year, with visions of slam dunks and sweaty beer parties swimming in their heads. But this howling festival of youth hides a deadly consequence: adipose tissue. Avoid the buildup of exactly fifteen pounds (6.803 kilograms) medically proven to accumulate on the bodies of all freshmen students by obeying the following ten commandments for maintaining a svelte, youthful figure!

The Freshman Negative Fifteen: Spend fifteen days without food! Channel your inner Irish Republican and enjoy this personal hunger strike for half a month. Don’t worry, this dietary embargo won’t kill you! Provided you sip some water every once in a while, the human body can last thirty to forty days without food before death occurs. You’re still half a month away from showing up on the news.

Remove An Unwanted Limb: Do you have too many of those pesky limbs dangling off your body? Sick of those unsightly tubes of meat and bone that seem to have no role in your life? We’ve been there. The solution? Amputation! Did you know that one leg composes sixteen percent of your body weight? Make new friends during welcome week by offering your floor mates an exciting chance to take a swing at your exposed femur as you shed pounds of flesh and blood in minutes.

Move to the Moon: More of a long-term, planning type of person? Get involved with UW’s astronautics program and earn yourself a trip to the moon. What makes Madison so qualified? In 2011, UW students won a contest NASA sponsored design a habitation unit suitable for living on another planet. Climb aboard a shuttle and live a new life on Earth’s moon, where your weight will be merely one sixth of your terrestrial heft!

Loud Prayer: Trade exercise for ecclesiasticism! Model your weight loss regimen after the stout monks of medieval Europe by chanting traditional slimming hymns such as The Messiah Carries My Extra Beef Away In His Sweaty Toned Arms (1443) and Ballad of the Thick Priest (1598).

Dine on the University of Minnesota’s Meal Plan: Ever wonder what makes the land of the Badger so much better than our miserable neighbors in the hellish western lands? There is not enough room on the internet to list all of the reasons, but a big one is the sweet treats we put in our mouths. That’s right, it’s food! The U of M’s indigestible, repulsive student meals will turn your innards and snuff your appetite, prompting weight loss through this tragic caloric deficit.

Gubernatorial Boot Camp: Scott Walker? More like Scott Runner! Ha! Lose weight through physical toil by following this workout game all year long: Every time the thought “Scott Walker should be boiled in a terrible soup and served to Olympic athletes like myself,” passes through your head, drop what you’re doing and sprint up Bascom Hill, followed by twenty push-ups and thirty squats. You’ll be a slim muscle maniac in no time.

Pick Off All Your Scabs: If you’re anything like me, this process should drop your weight by three to eight pounds.

World Famous Cigarette Diet: Everyone and their mother have warned you about the health risks of cigarettes. But let’s take a second look– ever see any calories printed on a pack of smokes? Heck no! Gorge yourself guilt-free on these splendid shafts of leaf and tar without fear of tipping the scales.

Naruto Run to Class: If there’s anything that is universally adored by every person on this rotten earth, it’s gotta be what President Eisenhower termed “The Two A’s:” Anime and athleticism. Make your trips across campus a calorie-incinerating portmanteau of these two areas by mimicking the running posture of folk hero Naruto, sprinting from class to class with your arms outstretched.

Give Birth: There’s no need to keep carrying around that clump of nerves and meat that people call a child! Induce labor to quickly rid yourself of that hefty infant and that cumbersome placenta. Your friends will be amazed at how quickly a few hours of clenching and yelling will transform your appearance.