Everyone does stupid things all the time. So it only makes sense that everyone has done something stupid sexually — a sexual faux pas, if you will. The sexual faux pas is sort of a funny blunder, but sometimes it goes beyond humor and is downright intolerable. Today, for your reading pleasure: an informational rant about crap that you just shouldn’t do, if you can help it.

For starters, saying the wrong name — or screaming the wrong name in a heat of passion, for that matter — is quite possibly the single greatest sexual faux pas in existence. I’d like to take a moment to cite a line from “The Family Guy”: “You wanna talk about awkward moments? Once, during sex, I called Lois ‘Frank.’ Your move, Sherlock.”

Speaking of saying the wrong thing, don’t tell prospective sexual partners you’re “really good at faking.” I know someone who has actually done this. I don’t know what happened with her, but it seems that the ensuing suspicion would require that you be not just really good, but amazing at faking to pull it off with any degree of success.

On another note, one of my friends told me about a guy who would repeatedly ask to do it in the butt. She was very happy and willing to do it the old-fashioned way, but is the type of person who just doesn’t do butt sex. I’ll be honest. I’m a big fan of butt sex and hate to oppose it in any way, but if you ask someone once and they say no, leave it at that and only ask maybe once more. Generally, just wait until they bring it up, or at least don’t ask every single time you’re having sex. Some people just want nothing buttsex, and you have to live with that.

Voyeurism is not cool. This includes intentionally walking in on people, hiding in a closet, or otherwise hiding in order to catch a glimpse. Still, if you put yourself in a position where others can’t really help but look, that’s your own damn fault. I seem to remember a shout out from earlier this year that said, “to the people who were going at it in Witte, we enjoyed the show from Ogg,” or something to that effect. Maybe those two were hoping to be seen. Who knows?

That brings me to my next point: public displays of affection (PDA) are just uncalled for when you have your own place to go to in order to make out. You don’t need to do it in the middle of State Street. I don’t care how cute you are.

Even worse than random PDA is overly-loud sex in the next room. Just because you’re in a separate room doesn’t mean you’re in a soundproof booth. Just put on some music if you have to do your thing when there are people around.

Okay, this is just my opinion, but I don’t think it is ever necessary to ask permission to initiate something. You wouldn’t ask to kiss someone. You just do it if you think they’re up for it. So why would you ask before moving a little farther south? If you’re uncomfortable and really want to ask, I guess you could. But why not go slowly and see if they stop you. And if you’re not sure whether or not you should, chances are you probably shouldn’t.

You don’t need to ask permission before getting off, but not letting someone know you’re going to bust and then doing it all over him or her without permission is just inconsiderate, and you could really alienate your unsuspecting partner. Also, I’ve heard that if it gets in your eye, it stings; although, I can’t think of a situation where that’s ever happened to me, so for now that’s just hearsay, but still something to consider.

As long as we’re on the subject of getting off, it can be a bit of a faux pas not to get off. But then it’s difficult to figure out on whose part the faux pas is? That’s really too complicated to address here. All kinds of factors could come into play, but let’s just leave it and say sometimes that happens and there is no fault. However, if it happens all the time, I’d shift blame to the person who can’t get off.

Yawning during sex probably isn’t a good idea because it makes you seem bored. Also, here’s something stupid to consider: you know how when you yawn it makes other people yawn? What if you yawn and then they start yawning and then that makes you yawn? It could be a vicious cycle.

I’m running out of space to write, so I’ll jot down just a few more. Kissing after head for some people is not okay. Commenting on small size is bad, but commenting on large size is encouraged. Stopping and giving no explanation is not okay. Answering the phone during sex is not okay and only acceptable in an emergency. Well, that’s it.