Like a senior citizen reflects on their life before dying, I, a senior at the University of Wisconsin, have been reflecting on my college days before graduation in May — particularly the nights I’ve spent at Madison’s student bars.

My birthdate ends in 2003, so I’m practically fossilized, but my four years have given me insight into the best and worst of our city’s watering holes — my wizened, leathery hands have clutched drinks at just about every bar west of Capitol Square. The best I can do before I kick the bucket (graduate) is share my stories and wisdom that I’ve acquired from countless nights spent at our city’s most popular student bars.

Disclaimer: Obviously, I didn’t let alcohol touch my lips until I turned 21, because I’m a law-abiding citizen. Nice try, MPD!

Chasers 2.0

Can a bar have too many levels? Chasers is evidently trying to settle that argument, and I think the answer is yes. Every time I’m there, I find myself overwhelmed by the sheer size of the place, but maybe I’m just partial to cozier, more intimate spots.

Churchkey

It’s sort of morose that scores of underage drinkers get wasted every weekend in a building that used to be a funeral parlor. I can’t help but wonder if the place is haunted. Extra points to Churchkey because sometimes, there’s a dog hanging out behind the bar.

City Bar

I think what most people will remember about City Bar from my time in college is when someone got stabbed in the neck here during my junior year. Plus, my friend once fell halfway down the stairs that lead to the basement bar.

The Double U

UU has a wonderful rooftop patio, but I haven’t had many great experiences on the inside. For one thing, there are enough TVs flashing in my peripheral vision to nearly give me vertigo, and for another, the music is louder than a tornado siren, so it’s impossible to hear the person talking to you unless they’re screaming. I’ve done a lot of smiling, nodding and pretending to understand what someone just said to me at this spot.

The Kollege Klub

Everyone knows that the KK is a quintessential college bar, blah blah blah. Allow me to knock it down a peg — the women’s bathroom line here is INHUMANELY long. I’ll never be able to fathom why the KK constructed a merch stand in the back corner instead of adding another bathroom. We’re all slaves to capitalism, I suppose.

Lucky’s 1313 Brewpub

This was actually the first bar I ever went to! Of course, I never went back. In my freshman year, a rumor (corroborated by a video) circulated that two people hooked up in the Lucky’s bathroom. To each their own, but screw at your own risk — Madison bar bathrooms are probably breeding grounds for new strains of STDs that you haven’t even heard of.

Mom’s Bar

Here’s my two cents on karaoke bars like Mom’s — if you’re going to sing, pick a song that people can dance to! I was here for a friend’s birthday recently and other patrons were singing songs like “Vienna” and “Stick Season.” Booo, play Beyoncé!

Also, respect the unspoken rule of waiting at least 15 minutes before taking another turn on stage. Once, I witnessed someone sing a confusing trifecta of songs — “Green Light” by Lorde, “Livin’ la Vida Loca” by Ricky Martin and “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor — all within a span of 20 minutes. Girl, this isn’t your own personal concert!

Mondays

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: The drinks here are disgusting. Seriously, whatever you’re thinking, it’s probably worse. With that being said, Mondays is a nice spot for a beer, especially when it’s decorated for Christmas.

Moon Bar

Moon Bar, you will never be Danny’s. How dare you stand where he stood.

Red Rock Saloon

It was on my senior year bucket list to ride the bull, but alas, I don’t think it’s going to happen. I won’t willingly set foot in a bar that plays 90% country music, and the outfits I wear on nights out aren’t exactly bull-appropriate. My friend loves line dancing here, though.

Red Shed

I played darts here once with a group of friends, and we got kicked out before we could finish the game. The bar was closing, but still — not cool, Red Shed!

SconnieBar

On Thursday nights my freshman year, my friends and I would cross University Avenue’s four treacherous lanes to make a pilgrimage from our quiet Lakeshore dorms to Sconnie’s, one of the only bars on campus that would let us in. I came here on my birthday once and saw a guy who looked just like Markiplier. It was beautiful.

State Street Brats

Last summer, I watched the Brewers play the Cubs in Game 4 of the National League Division Series and was very mean to some people. I’ll always hold a little grudge against Brats for attracting so many Chicagoans — they outnumbered the Brewers fans, which is sinister — but I have to shout out the bar’s resident DJ with lustrous long locks of hair who’s always spinning bangers.

Wando’s

I can’t say I’ve spent many nights at Wando’s, but it must be doing something right, because The Athletic named it one of the top 10 college bars in America last year. (Shout out to The Badger Herald’s multimedia director Kiesen Williams, who contributed reporting for The Athletic’s story!)

Whiskey Jack’s

If you’re interested in buying shots with names like “Kermit sucked me off in a back alley,” Whiskey’s is your spot. Just watch out for all the guys with neckbeards.