Hey Hump Day wannabees!

So we’ve gotten a few e-mails from you now wondering who our columnists are. And the bad news is that we don’t know, but the good news is that we will in the next few days – hopefully tomorrow.

We all thank you for your patience in this process! We as judges are just trying to be as thorough as we can in reading the entries so Hump Day is better than ever before.

Here’s an entry to keep you distracted from the anticipation…

I want to give great head. For every type of person. What are the best tips for eating out and blowing someone? –Mr. Cock and Pussy.

Mr. Cock and Pussy, I’m so glad you’ve written to us,

I’ll tell you all there is to know about making someone bust.

Oral sex is really awesome, especially if it’s done right,

With my advice you’ll keep your partner up for the whole damn night.

First I’ll cover felatio – “blowjob” is the common name,

When you’re sucking someone’s cock you should never be ashamed.

Be passionate with your tongue and give the tip plenty of action,

And don’t forget to rub those balls for some extra satisfaction.

Deep throat is a must so relax your throat and open wide,

This man couldn’t hate you for a minute, even if he tried.

It’s all about good rhythm, when you’re doing this good deed,

Start off slowly then pick it up, you’ll know when you’re at prime speed.

Don’t forget to use your hands, rub up and down upon the shaft,

And make sure it’s just as moist as if you were sailing on a raft.

You should always be sure to swallow after he’s finished and ejaculates,

It takes kinda salty and kinda gross, but its something every guy appreciates.

Now onto cunnilingus, that thing most ladies love to receive,

With this advice, a super climax she will certainly achieve.

Focus on the clitoris, it is purely meant for pleasure,

If you circle and rub it with your tongue, in bed you’ll surely be a treasure.

Most women are easily pleased during this inner-vaginal trek,

Just make sure you, too, are comfortable so you don’t get a soar neck!

Mix up the motions of your tongue, some like it fast some like it slow,

But no matter what you do, she’ll love that you went down below.

Some girls enjoy being fingered during this holy act,

So be gentle and stick one or two up there, just be sure she feels relaxed.

The “come hither” motion should work for you just fine,

If you’re able to reach that G-spot she’ll scream, “OMG you’re so divine!”

Next time you’re in the bedroom, remember this rhyming advice,

If you take everything into consideration, it’ll definitely add some spice.

Oral sex is one of those things that’s real fun but is a labor,

So just remember its always nice when you return the favor!