Hello there super cool partiers! Do you like to party? I bet you 10 bucks I like it more than you. I personally have noticed that a lot of people here at UW-Madison do NOT know how to party correctly, as evidenced by our fall from the number one “Party School in the Nation” spot. I mean the University of ARIZONA has beaten us, for Christsakes, and I won’t stand for it. I am performing a citizen’s arrest on our bad party skills RIGHT NOW and I am going to whip us into tip-top party shape.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term “partying,” it is an activity in which horny adolescents get together in a group, usually in a shitty basement, a shitty apartment or a boat (question: do people party on boats??) and guzzle as much barely-FDA-approved-fermented chemicals as possible in order to become inebriated or “wasted.” This is all in pursuit of making interactions with the opposite sex a BIT less nerve-wracking. “Partying” is usually accompanied by copious amounts of awkward sexual advances, really bad kissing, vomiting and hangovers. This is probably overwhelming for you, but never fear! I have infiltrated this cultural phenomenon so I can report back to you, poor scared thing! It was hard work, but I bravely soldiered on, and I am proud to say that I was crowned “queen of party.”

So here are Sarah Healy’s notes from the field of partying:

1.     Everyone is your best friend.

2.     Unless they are your “frenemy.” (GANG: what does “frenemy” mean??)

3.     Wear motorcycle boots to a frat party. You will blend in completely because everyone is straight out of a Nirvana concert. Nineties grunge ABOUNDS, nothing cute or girly here.

4.     Try not to shit all over everyone’s life goals or plans. For example, if someone tells you that their dream is to kayak down the Amazon River solo, do NOT respond with, “Wow that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, have fun on your suicide mission, Chris McCandless.” Just roll with the punches and act like this is the best idea ever, and of course ask them to tell you all about it, no matter how dumb.

5.     Have a PLAN when you hit the dance floor. Don’t just go out there and fuck around, NO ONE will respect you unless you teach that dance floor a LESSON. I, personally, select a different Kristin Wiig character each time I attend a party or a “get-together” and base my dance moves off that character for the night. (TIPz 4 Ladies: Target Lady is a huge hit with the fellas).

6.     Try to look as disinterested as possible. This can be achieved by checking your phone every two minutes, rolling your eyes, mentioning how you “might go somewhere after this” or talking about the party you were at last week. Of course, the second someone whips out a camera, you must look like you are having the TIME OF YOUR LIFE, so people who are not at the party will be jealous of you and feel bad about their shitty-dumpster-party less lives.

7.     If someone screams “THIS IS MY JAM!!!!!!!!” That song is THEIR jam. It’s not a discussion, so back the fuck down.

8.     Dress Code: this is IMPORTANT.

a.     Girls: you MUST spent more time on your appearance before you go out than your history paper. If you fail to do so, no one at the party will find you attractive and you will die ALONE. Heels are a MUST. So no matter how badly your feet hurt, do not take those beauties off. If your feet feel and look like you have contracted the early stages of frostbite, those heels are a keeper! Go back and get them in three different colors! You must NOT be able to breathe in any of your clothes; oxygen is for ugly, single people.

b.    Guys: Any t-shirt will do. Cargo shorts for spring/summer/fall/winter. Jeans if you are feeling classy! A backwards hat if you want to really impress the ladies. Don’t “mix it up” (trans: be different) and dress like a fully-grown human being, people HATE this.

9.  People LOVE it when you demonstrate that you know more than them about their majors. Everyone appreciates a know-it-all. If their eyes glaze over and they start inching away, that means they LIKE you, so good job, keep it up!

10.  Do NOT be you. You suck, so you have to be someone else when you attend a party.

There you have it! You follow these tips to the letter, UW will again rise to party prominence and you too could be “queen of party.” (Except you can’t, because I AM.)

Sarah Healy ([email protected]) is a junior majoring in history.