Apparently I know nothing; at least, that is what the consensus around campus is.

After countless hours of psychiatric therapy and counseling from my mother reminding me of how cute and smart I am, I finally am ready to face my critics and let them voice their grievances.

Throughout this semester, during my reign as your biweekly Tuesday columnist, I have managed to invoke quite a few responses … er, tirades from adoring readers. I have been called Lazy-bones and “Jeffy,” and heard of people turning the picture of my face into an effigy of the devil. After my column on standing at football games, someone at the Capitol building sincerely asked a close friend, pointing at my picture, “What the hell is wrong with this kid?”

It is now time to respond to my critics and expose their stupidity by publishing what they have written, as I empty the old mailbag.

Jeff,

As a former sports reporter for The Badger Herald, I am embarrassed at such an obviously biased article on Barry Bonds capturing the home-run record. Not only did you fail to support your assertions with any facts at all, but you made the same absurd references about Barry that have been repeated time and time again. Lack of hustle in the field, moody individual in the locker room, etc, etc. Can you please come up with anything new?

First, I want to expose you as a phony. Yes, we did some research back at the paper and no one has ever heard of you, and moreover, no one on the paper has any idea who you are. Secondly, reread my article and you will see that I cited specific instances where Barry did not hustle, as well as specific things people said about him proving why he is disliked and considered a “moody individual.” Maybe the reason these things are constantly repeated is that they are true.

Dear Herald,

I was reading the sports pages on Tuesday and had to look at the front cover to affirm that I had a Badger Herald in my possession … I could not believe that I was reading this blatant anti-Yankees propaganda. I will not go down and refute Patkin’s laundry list of complaints (which I could). I will simply say that coming to Wisconsin from Boston was his best move yet. Now he can have some cheese with all of that whine.

What a smart reader. Not only did he put a very clever little pun in at the end of his letter, but he got my point. Blatant — yes, that is what I was going for! I do not like the Yankees and wrote that column to provide insight as to why. Oh and how about the finish to the World Series? I almost wrote a top 10 reasons to like the Yankees the next week. Reason No. 1: Mariano Rivera’s performance in Game Seven of the 2001 World Series. Next!

Hey Patkin —

Sports are great, and I’m as big of a Badger fan as there is, but if you made your college choice based on the winning percentage of the athletic teams, you are one sad, shallow person.

I guess this reader never has heard of sarcasm or had hyperbole explained to him/her. The article was a joke, a.k.a not serious, and I just said I chose my college based on the sports team to further emphasis this point. However, the comment about me being a sad, shallow person was right on the money.

Patkin, you’re a sellout. If all you care about is how the sports teams are doing (what, are you a jersey-chaser or some sort of puck-*uck?), then feel free to leave. I can’t believe we let people as shallow as you in UW-Madison in the first place …. Have you ever been to Ann Arbor? Idiot …

Again, I’m shallow, but this time I am a sellout and a jersey chaser on top of that. I never said anything about not liking the Badgers or that I will stop rooting for them. Instead, I pointed out how much sports have declined here in two years, and boy, was I way off. The football team finished a fantastic 5-7, including that stellar finish against Michigan. And the basketball team is dominant, mustering its only two wins in hard-fought contests over Hawaii-Hilo and UW-Green Bay. The jersey-chaser comment is right on the mark too; boy, is my girlfriend one hell of a hockey goalie.

I wish I had the space to share with all my readers more brilliant letters I have received, but I cannot. Instead I can merely mention the person who wished I had added more about “shoe-related deaths” in my column on Jordan. I can only tell the person who told me, “The problem is this: Badger athletics owes nothing to you. You owe Badger athletics your total support. Badger athletics is being cheated — not you,” that they are wrong. My tuition money is hard at work supporting many of the athletes that play here.

Lastly, I just wanted to thank whomever reads what I say and feels compelled to respond. Even if you think I am an idiot, it’s okay; everyone is wrong once in a while. So keep the letters coming and just feed more fuel to the fire so that I can keep you entertained, at least for 800 words or so during your Tuesday power lectures.