I hate the Yankees so much it consumes me.

The Yankees have caused more grief in my life than my teachers, family or girlfriends ever have, combined.

Ask me why I hate the Yankees and I can come up with an infinitely long list, the only hesitation being putting the list in some kind of a hierarchical order, because there is just so much to despise. For the sake of brevity and a word-limit on this column, I have managed to compile a short top-10 list as to why I (and everyone else) should despise the evil Yankees.

10.) New Yorkers try to project the idea that the Yankees are an extension of New York City. A typical Yankee fan considers Derek Jeter the son he never had.

The truth is, not one Yankee lists New York City as his place of residence; the only one who even lives in New York state is Bernie Williams. Even George Steinbrenner spends most of the year living at home in Tampa.

9.) Speaking of George Steinbrenner, the only thing I like about him is the way he is portrayed on “Seinfeld” as George’s boss. Any organization can be understood by looking at the leadership behind it. Big Stein’s presence sure explains the egocentrism of the Yankees.

8.) Derek Jeter. Man, does this guy get under my skin. He does not do anything I can really criticize him for except make big plays in big games. But truthfully, girls, is he that good looking? If he weren’t playing shortstop for the Yankees, he would be that creepy guy at a Nassau County night club on teen night trying to get high schoolers to go for a ride in his ’89 metallic brown Bonneville.

7.) The Yankees straight up buy World Series Championships. People say that the team is clutch in September and October, but I beg to differ. The Yankees start every season with the highest payroll in the league, and when they still suck in August, they buy the best players available from good teams who can no longer afford them. Then when their payroll is 50 million dollars more than anyone else’s, that’s when they begin to play well.

6.) Stupid luck is always on the Yankees’ side. This is not just me being blinded by hate and jealousy. This summer I watched a game when the Yankees pinch-hit Louis Sojo in the bottom of the ninth against the Red Sox in a tie game. Sojo was one for his last 32 at bats, and with two strikes on him he checked his swing. By the grace of God the pitch hit his bat and went to right field. The ball landed on the outer side of the foul line chalk and was the worst hit I have ever seen in my life. Oh yeah, it was the turning point in the season for both the Red Sox and the Yankees.

5.) The Yankees are predictable, boring and unlikable. Even if I were from New York, I do not know how I could get myself to like this team.

4.) Roger Clemens. Where do I begin with this wack job? They say he is the greatest competitor ever to play baseball, but I disagree. Throwing baseballs at people’s heads and throwing splintered bats does not make you a fiery competitor, it makes you a jerk. His postseason record is embarrassing, including a no-show in a 13-1 defeat against the Red Sox in 1999, and getting himself kicked out of a vital ALCS game in Oakland in 1990. Oh yeah, and then there was that time in 1986 when he asked to be pulled out of the game in the seventh inning of game six of the World Series, nine outs from bringing the Red Sox their first World Series in 68 years.

3.) I am from Boston. The Boston-New York rivalry has been going on since the formation of the United States when the Yankee people of New York used to look down on the poor Irish immigrants of Boston. It is in my blood to hate this team.

2.) Yankee fans are the most insufferable, obnoxious, arrogant people in the world. I would prefer to go to the bar and have a beer with Saddam Hussein rather than have to hear another Yankee fan tell me how good Joe Torre is.

Joe Torre, he would be No. 11 on my list — how good a manager can he really be? A trained chimp could manage a Yankee team to the World Series with all the talent they have.

1.) Twenty-six championships in 78 years, or one every three years. 153-1 career postseason record when leading after eight innings. 154 postseason games are unfathomable, but these are just the games the Yankees are going into the end with the lead. This team is too good, and that alone is the reason I hate them the most.

Seeing the Yankees win another World Series is akin to Bill Gates finding out his mansion sits on top of the world’s richest oil deposits. Nobody wants it to happen.