The Badger Herald says goodbye to the spring 2008 semester today, which means it’s time to hand out some awards. And not just any awards, but the 2008 Badger Herald Headliner Awards! After the rousing success of last year’s inaugural Headliner Awards — which made winners out of the University of Wisconsin Law School, the Associated Students of Madison and the UW Admissions Department — we’re back with another bumper crop of honorees.
Of course, our headliners tend to be in the news for less-than-noble reasons. The fact that no UW administrative unit was a serious contender for an award this year is a welcome change, and a sign that John Wiley competently guided the ship in his final year as chancellor. Fear not, though, because other groups and individuals stepped in to fill the void. ASM proved yet again why it is a perennial Headliner contender, Capitol Neighborhoods, Inc. capped a strong campaign with its first award, and dark horse Oliver Delgado came out of nowhere to lay claim to the third and final 2008 Headliner.
Empty High Chair Award: ASM
If an organization holds a major speech and nobody hears it, did it really happen? That’s the question the campus was left to ponder after the Associated Students of Madison’s attempt at a “State of the ASM” address went oh-so-wrong April 15.
Of course, we speak in generalities, so by “nobody,” we really mean six ASM members, which gave the beleaguered organization an impressive two-to-one ratio over media reporters present that day. Surprised by the turnout? Gestina Sewell wasn’t. The then-ASM chair admitted she was not sure if the event was publicized at all. Clearly it wasn’t among ASM members — not that the chair of an organization should be bothered by such trifles.
Since that fateful day, the feeling of emptiness in ASM has only grown. Alex Gallagher, seemingly poised to spearhead a major ASM reform movement (or at least attempt to), decided instead to resign his seat as a College of Letters and Science representative.
Meanwhile, the search for Ms. Sewell’s successor has landed on absolutely nobody. As such, if any organization deserves the Empty High Chair Award, it’s truly ASM. Best of all, this award will look perfect next to the Messy High Chair Award, which the group picked up last year.
Rex Banner Award: Capitol Neighborhoods, Inc.
Capitol Neighborhoods, Inc., a bunch of hardboiled crumbs with some serious sway downtown, did everything in their power to deprive us of our giggle juice this year.
First, the group led the fight to wean us off of our favorite gin mills with the Alcohol Density Plan, which essentially prohibits any new juice joints from setting up shop downtown. Not only is this piece of legislative hooey anti-competitive and anti-market, but it neglects that birds who can’t get their mule from a tavern will simply get it from house wingdings instead.
Still not content with their “quality of life” quotient, CNI then announced it would like to see the price of hooch rise by at least 20 percent downtown. The group also vigorously supported an increase in the state booze tax and licensing fees and expressed a desire to see twice as many citations issued to those who get zozzled under the age of 21.
Earlier this year, CNI got word that notorious speakeasy Quinton’s might be deriving a sliver more of its moolah from rutgot than from food. CNI went into a predictable tizzy, urging the city to tell the place to beat it. Never mind that Quinton’s was operating with a limited liquor license due to the aforementioned density plan in the first place.
Clearly, if CNI had its way, no one would ever get scrooched downtown again. We think their ideas are all wet. If there’s one group that deserves a good catapulting out of town, it’s CNI.
Eddie Murphy’s Worst Excuse Award: Oliver Delgado
New senior class president and current UW junior Oliver Delgado intended to get away to Puerto Rico this spring break. His plan was to fly out of Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport, but to get there he needed a bus ticket.
So he went to the Memorial Union’s bus travel desk, only to find it closed. Flabbergasted by the predicament of a business not being open — Mr. Delgado admitted he “didn’t know what to do” — the junior took what most would agree was the wrong course of action: He stole the tickets he needed, plus a few more for good measure.
Police paid a visit to Mr. Delgado’s house not long after he returned from spring break, and he admitted to the theft. In a later interview with the Herald, Mr. Delgado explained: “I didn’t go with the intention of stealing; that’s not who I am, and that’s not the way I was brought up.” He further noted that he is heavily involved in student activities on campus and described the incident as a “learning experience.”
It was indeed a learning experience — a learning experience for us. Namely, we learned Mr. Delgado has no business representing the senior class this upcoming year. Maybe he didn’t go to the Memorial Union for the purpose of stealing, but it sure didn’t take long for that intention to develop. Bottom line: Mr. Delgado walked onto UW property and committed a theft. He needs to resign his post as senior class president. Any notion that Mr. Delgado deserves leniency because his r?sum? includes student leadership positions is absurd.
And with that, we wrap up the 2008 Badger Herald Headliner Awards. Congratulations to this year’s winners. We invite you to stop by our office to pick up your certificates. Except for Mr. Delgado. We’ll, uh, mail yours to you.
The Badger Herald Editorial Board is composed of one professional cable news analyst, one intrepid defender of estrogen-infected seagulls, one roof garden enthusiast, one weasel-word guest expert, one King Jong-il impersonator who goes to bed clutching the ASM bylaws and hoping for reform, one Silver Mine Subs advocate whose Sputnik-like ringtone is going off in the distance and one tonally challenged singing superstar with a monster Aerosmith rendition in his repertoire. Collectively, they spent long hours searching for headline titles from the movie “Speed” (“Stay above 50!”) and “Dave Chappelle’s Block Party” (“Where’s my money, bitch?”). Yet the most heated (read: days long) discussion of the semester concerned the ethical implications of plastic water bottles. We take three lessons from the semester: 1. Spring break is for break, 2. If we’re going to talk about it, we might as well talk about it, especially since it’s the thing we’re talking about, and 3. Miffed Charter Communications customers (though there aren’t any) should call 1-888-GET-CHARTER. And dammit — we’re not children, we’re scientists!
