Following Queen Elizabeth II’s death, the Royal family has come under intense scrutiny. Amidst all the scrutiny, there is one new item circulating the Buckingham Palace that has the country in a frenzy.
One of our foreign correspondents who traveled to London to document the Queen’s funeral unearthed an important artifact — Her Majesty’s secret journals.
Hidden from the public eye until now, the Herald sheds light on some of the shocking revelations, painting a new picture of the late Queen.
To her country and the rest of the world, Lizzie represented a powerful figure, dominant and commanding. Arguably, the Queen enjoyed this role. The same cannot be said of her and Prince Phillip’s bed.
“After a long day of presiding over the country and telling people what to do, the last thing I want is to have to do that with my vanilla cousin husband,” she wrote. “Even a Queen wants to be bossed around sometimes.”
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The Queen also displayed an unusual fondness for movies featuring animated animals. In an entry dated 2016, she wrote she was developing an obsession — verging on sexual — for Nick the fox from the hit movie “Zootopia.”
“I want to knight that damn fox and command him to cuddle with me all night long,” The Queen wrote. “I want to whisper in his perfect, furry ear that I’ve been a bad girl.”
Other new insights into Her Majesty’s personal life include her favorite music genre was bluegrass, she had a tendency to rewatch episodes of “Wife Swap” before bed and she indulged in frequent fantasies featuring Orlando Bloom.
“Dear lord,” The Queen wrote in 2017, after the release of “Dead Men Tell No Tales.” “Can Orlando Bloom get any sexier? I thought he had peaked after playing Legolas in Lord of the Rings. I was wrong. Dearly, dearly wrong.”
But perhaps the most scandalous news to come from the diaries is Her Majesty’s deep aversion to the country’s national pastime.
The phrase “I fucking hate tea” was written a total of 1,325 times over the last 85 years, according to expert historian Drew Fax. The queen appeared to hate all forms of tea, though she reserved a special venom for earl grey, Fax said.
“Who is this ‘Earl’?” The queen wrote. “I’ll have him fucking beheaded. The river Thames tastes better than earl grey tea.”
Many Britts have expressed shock and disbelief that the private life of their Queen could differ so dramatically from her public figure, but Fax said historical tests have verified the journals are in fact the late Queen’s full written words.
“We are 99.99% sure that this artifact is an authentic window into the true life of Queen Elizabeth,” Fax said. “The 0.01 % of doubt is all for the Orlando Bloom entry. No way is he hotter as Will Turner than Legolas.”
Now that her subjects are faced with harsh truths about their former monarch, the rest of the world holds their breath to see what will happen next. But only time — and a little bit of piping hot tea — will tell.
