University of Wisconsin has made headlines regarding their recent addition to the alumni program. The Wisconsin Alumni Association, founded in 1861, has reportedly seen a dramatic increase in the distress of seniors following graduation.
“It’s just too much to handle,” current senior Sarah Williams told The Badger Herald. “Balancing finals, job searching, work, it’s a lot.”
That’s why the Alumni Association has implemented a plan to peacefully and humanely transition seniors into a state of permanent inactivity.
The new “Senior Sunset” program offers a dignified alternative to the grueling period of entry-level employment and the psychological warfare of LinkedIn “Congratulations” posts. Instead of being forced into the “real world,” graduates will now be led to a secluded patch of grass behind Bascom Hill, given a final, complimentary scoop of Babcock Dairy ice cream and gently put out of their misery. The lethal injection will be administered whilst the senior is in the arms of the Abraham Lincoln statue.
Senior Sunset aims to eliminate the internal deep-rooted fear of the future many seniors struggle with by eliminating any possibility of a future at all. “It’s brilliant,” Chancellor Mnookin said, when asked her opinion regarding the implementation. “Now the 2026 class can retire along with me. Why force them to move to a windowless cubicle in Chicago when we can offer them a swift, painless exit while they still have their dignity and a 3.2 GPA?”
The Abraham Lincoln statue is currently under construction, considering its Wiscard scanner still needs to be installed. Before euthanization, seniors must scan their cards to verify senior status. As an additional marker of eligibility, those in pursuit of being put down must provide proof that they’ve applied to at least 15 internships and have received a minimum of five rejections.
“We aren’t losing a student,” Mnookin’s memo concluded. “We are gaining a very sophisticated, very permanent donor to our campus fertilizer initiative. It is the most altruistic gesture a Badger can make.”
