You’re marking down the days on your calendar, the bags under your eyes deepening and your head pounding with stress. Sighing with all of the might you have left, your eyes suddenly bug out when you read “Friday” on today’s box. Giddy as all can be, you think about jumping up and doing a heel click. Realizing you’re much too tired for this, you also realize what Friday means … a house show is in your future.
It’s as if you’re already there, stumbling, as if you’re being body slammed by the hoard of people really putting the maximum room capacity to the test. Your arms begin to extend, your hands begin to grasp — it is within reach. So, get gussied up. Put on that top you can only wear to something like this. Begin to allow the power of music you can only somewhat hear come over you.
Follow along with this somewhat empirically tested guide for what to do when you come face to face with the most commonly seen people at house shows.
1. The person you follow on Instagram but do not know beyond it
You see them from across the room, the person who posts selfies with their interior monologue transcribed as an overlay, right before you.
For some inexplicable reason, seeing them almost feels like a celebrity sighting. With the fact that they may or may not still follow you floating around ambiguously, that feeling really begins to take form. Recalling yourself back to reality, you approach them, or hey, maybe they approach you, you celebrity, you.
Tell them that their constant posting demonstrates an exceptional level of consistency — a strength of character. Commend them on the forthrightness of their daily Instagram notes, especially the ones like, “He knows what he did.” Tell them you like their style and selfishly wait for them to say it back. Let this superficial back and forth keep going until they or you recognize another person from the ‘Gram.
2. That one guy you know from class
You were forced to turn and talk with your “neighbor,” but this random guy from your class who is now probably being knocked into you by the moshing crowd is no such thing. He isn’t Mr. Rogers. You wouldn’t rely on him if you needed a cup of sugar.
But, now he’s here, and, particularly if you are being slammed into him by all the other people around, you must address him. It is your duty so as to not make your interactions during class more painful than they already are. “How’s about that discussion post we had,” you throw out. He can’t resist! He engages with the utmost interest, “Yeah. That sucked.” Just be glad he didn’t ask who you were and why you thought you could talk to him.
3. The friend you only see at these events, nowhere, and I mean nowhere else
You know this person. That should make things easier? I think not. Nay, the absence of chemistry is only further underscored when the label of “friendship” is tacked on to something that just so clearly is not.
You know the basics about this person, but that’s of no use to you here. You think about how the furthest you have ever gotten in the way of conversation is exchanging cat memes on Instagram. Thinking back to how you never responded to one they sent months ago of a cat striding on an underwater treadmill to lose weight, you suddenly want to apologize.
Figuring the apology can wait, you give them a hug. Instantly regretting it, you become overwhelmed with the thought of maybe they didn’t want to and you forced them to. Your mind now all aflutter, you try your best to keep things from going totally amok: “So, how’s [insert significant other’s name]?”
Instead of lighting up with the recognition of you having known something beyond their major, their face flushes. “We broke up?” They tut, scoffing at you not having prowled on all fours around the grapevine to have heard this development when it first occurred two days ago. “Oh …” You’re not close enough to comfortably ask why. You’re not close enough to care, or even to pretend to. Pretend you hear somebody calling your name and get outta tha.
4. Your former roommate
The operative word here is “former.” Yes, indeed, even though being in the same place as them used to be your everyday, seeing them here now makes your heart fall out of your tuchus. This really is a case by case basis.
Perhaps you are the amicable type and can offer up a cordial wave and fake smile. Perhaps you cannot even find it within yourself to put on this kind of show — besides, there’s a whole band blaring right before you guys anyways. The safest bet? Pretend you do not see them — if they got to know you at all, they must remember you are visually impaired. Didn’t see ya, sorry! Whew, that was a close one…
5. Your ex-situationship
Woah Nelly, we’re really rolling with the big dogs now. Chances are if house shows are your choice of fun on a weekend night, you’ll have not one but many failed situationships peppered among the crowd at these house shows.
If you didn’t already make a running start that suspended you in the air for a second and then kicked up a bunch of dust like Scooby Doo at even the first glimpse of somebody who even remotely resembles them, then you’re in deep doo doo. You’re here now, and you have to confront it. At all costs, avoid laying it all out for them, “Come on man, you’ve got to admit you were cosplaying a relationship that whole time and on the down low I refer to you as my ex.”
Don’t worry too much, though, because in approximately two month’s time if the dating almanac proves me right, they will crawl back into your DMs with a, “Funny seeing you at that show. I’ve been wondering how you’ve been,” to test the waters. The world is your oyster. The house show is all elements of your social circle combined in one room. Use these pieces of tried and true advice at your discretion, and let the chaos endow your night with all that much more fun.
