If you’ve ever scrolled through social media after a Friday night and thought, ‘everyone else is hooking up but me,’ you’re not alone. College culture can make it seem like sex, dating, and casual hookups are everywhere. But what if that doesn’t match your reality?

Maybe you’ve never dated, never had sex, or just aren’t ready. Or maybe you have been sexually active but feel stuck, unsure how to initiate what you actually want. You’re not the only one asking these questions.

What’s normal?

It’s easy to assume you’re behind if you haven’t had sex, but here’s the reality: many students aren’t sexually active. Among college students, 55% of the studied sample indicated that they were not currently sexually active, with Freshman and Sophomore sexual inactivity even higher, near 60%. Stories about hookups and flings dominate dorm hallways and group chats. So, are you really missing out, or just following a different timeline? College can be about sex, but it can also be about figuring out who you are and what you want.

Hookup Culture: Pressure vs. Reality

Many college-aged people may feel pressured to hook up, when they just want to fit in. Some worry that saying “no” will make them seem awkward or uncool.

First, ask yourself: what does “hooking up” really mean here? For some it’s just kissing, for others it’s penetration. There’s no concrete definition of hooking up. Some people explore physically right away. Others wait until they feel emotionally ready. Both are normal, and both are okay.

When’s the Right Time?

How do you know when it’s the right moment to have sex? The right time is personal. Ask yourself:

• Am I with people I trust and feel safe around?
• Am I choosing this for me, or because I feel like I should?
• Have I thought about protection, consent, and boundaries?

Answering these questions honestly helps you make decisions that don’t leave you regretting your choices later. Sexual experience isn’t a scorecard—it’s about self-awareness, boundaries, and understanding what excites you. Understanding yourself first makes intimacy more fulfilling and less stressful.

Communication is Key

Many students hesitate to talk about sex before it happens. It can feel awkward to admit what you want or don’t want, but communication is the foundation of good intimacy.

Try to be upfront about your comfort level, experience and boundaries. Don’t forget to ask your partner about theirs too! Being honest doesn’t ruin the mood — it creates trust, safety, and connection. Even in ongoing relationships, desires change. Be sure to check in with your partner about what feels right. 

This is preferably done outside of the bedroom so as to remove any situational pressure which might cause them to agree to something they otherwise wouldn’t. Communication is our pathway to a consenting sexual experience that’s great for everyone involved.

Initiating Sex

Tons of people, especially women, struggle with initiating sex. We’re all familiar with the social norm placing the “pursuer” role on men, leaving women feeling like they shouldn’t make the first move.

But initiating doesn’t have to be aggressive. It could start with a flirty text, a small compliment, or referencing a scene from a show or movie to suggest something you’d like to try. Like, “Gosh, I wish someone would kiss me like Han kisses Leia in Star Wars.” Expressing attraction can be done verbally or through showing curiosity with touch.

Remember though, it’s normal to feel awkward. For some, vulnerability can be attractive. Saying, “I’m nervous but I really like you,” can create connections. Initiation can be playful, emotional, or intimate — it certainly doesn’t have to be physical right away.

Your College Experience, Your Version

The college experience doesn’t have to be a checklist of hookups and dates. It can be learning how to make intentional decisions, exploring intimacy safely, and connecting authentically.

Your version doesn’t need to match anyone else’s. The most formative experiences can be the quiet ones — those moments when you reflect on yourself, your values, and what makes you feel fulfilled. Sex, dating, and intimacy can be exciting, awkward, and confusing — but they don’t define your worth or success. Instead of asking “Why am I behind?”, try asking “What do I actually want?”

College is a space to experiment — safely and intentionally. Whatever path you take, the most important thing is showing up as yourself.

(Ask SOL an anonymous question! Sex, relationships, health, and more. Sex Out Loud staff will work to gather helpful answers.)

Editor’s note: The Hump Day column is a collaboration with Sex Out Loud, an organization that promotes healthy sexuality through sex-positive education and activism.