Dear Clare,

Nose-plugging Nate

Dear Nate,

As I sit in the computer lab at one of UW's 500 libraries, I am amazed at the level of filth the students surrounding me have managed to acquire and maintain. Please realize that I do not make this comment as a superior hygienic queen. I assure you, my dear readers, that I am wearing my Britney-esque hat to cover my unkempt hair and not to make a fashion statement — or perhaps more accurately, a fashion faux pas.

The lack of cleanliness that college students live with is mind-boggling when seen from an outside perspective. The infrequency of showers, sheet washing, floor cleaning, garbage disposal, and doing laundry seems to be socially acceptable and habitual in college. It is likely, however, that even the dirtiest of frat guys will begin to clean up his dishes and himself after graduation.

If you aren't convinced that filth is acceptable in the student world of academia, think of that girl who always comes to your 8:50 discussion "decked out" and has been the subject of numerous nasty shout-outs because of the effort she puts into getting ready for class. Now reflect on her actual appearance and think about her walking around a mall. Would her clean hair and light make-up seem an anomaly to you in that context? The answer should be "no." Compared to all of the other nasty students in your discussion she may seem like a superficial diamond in the rough, when she is actually only practicing the hygienic habits we all possessed before they were overthrown by the brutally rigorous and stressful reality of collegiate life.

After you get over yourself and take this consideration in mind, you can begin to benefit from her commitment to sanitation: sitting near her ensures that you will not have to sit by someone who smells awful. So stop rolling your eyes at her when she briskly glides in the room and ask her for an Altoid. I promise she'll have one.

Now on to your issue, Nose-plugging Nate. Your pseudonym evoked a mental image that could actually be a solution to your problem. I assume that you are plugging your nose without an external aid such as a hand or clothespin, but these are items you could use on your nose to give your roommate a not-so-subtle hint.

I guesstimate (yes, that word is actually in the dictionary) that your roommate is either clueless about his stench, or just too lazy to care. I would like to propose a strategy that I am confident will work regardless of the explanation for his stink. It will take a small financial investment on your part, but you owe it to him as a roommate and a compassionate human being.

I advise you to go to the nearest drug store and buy four or five different kinds of travel deodorant. Strong deodorant. Upon your return home, ask your roommate if he could take part in an experiment you are conducting for a class. If you were girls, you would need a more elaborate story, but because of your male mind I doubt he will inquire much further.

Simply say that the experiment is about the effectiveness of different deodorants and that you need a subject to test them on. The beauty of this excuse, if there is anything that can involve beauty and deodorant, is that you can make this believable because you could apply such an experiment to any major. For example, a business, communication arts, or journalism major could be doing a "marketing project" while a science major could be studying the "reaction of the listed ingredients."

Tell him to try a different deodorant every day or week and then report to you throughout the day to test the effectiveness. This way you can easily say, "Oh no! You stink, man! That one is terrible!" Even if he doesn't stink with "that one," letting him know that he actually CAN smell will encourage him to use deodorant in the future. The fact that you have provided the deodorant for him will eliminate the hassle for him to actually go buy it.

So there you have it, Nose-plugging Nate. And to all of those hygienically challenged college students out there, at least throw on some deodorant. If you don't, you will smell. No matter how fabulous you or your mother thinks you are, you can stink too.

Good luck, Nate!

Dear Clare,

Annoyed Friend

Dear Annoyed,

It is rare that I'm able to use pieces of my scholarly learning to help the students of the UW, so I am excited I can do so with this question. Without trying to sound like an official source on this subject, because I definitely am not, Sarah seems to be the hapless victim of a media function known in the mass communication field as "parasocial interaction." According to my class textbook, "Fundamentals of Media Effects", by Jennings Bryant and Susan Thompson, this phenomenon "occurs when viewers feel as though they personally know certain television and film characters and personalities simply because they see and hear them so often."

Now, before I go stressing out my wonderful professors who are distraught by my misuse of the word, "victim," let me clarify (pun totally intended, hope you got that). I don't mean to suggest that the media has some pervasive intent to infiltrate our minds and smother any remnant of reason we may still possess by putting impossibly beautiful people in front of us just to lure us into sacrificing our financial capital or smidgen of free time to partake in the quest for Jessica Simpson's glowing locks or Brad Pitt's flawless abs.

I merely mean to say that Sarah's reaction to Nick is exactly what the creators of 98 Degrees and the producers of "The Newlyweds" wanted it to be. You can't completely fault her for that, because she probably doesn't have any other muscled musical man to compete with the seemingly perfect Nick Lachey. I refrain here from the opportunity to make copious amounts of Nick Lachey jokes because I actually have a word limit and it would be just too easy.

I think you should either start fabricating stories about Nick in which his behavior runs contra to Sarah's fundamental beliefs or count your lucky starts that Nick, in this context, is merely a fictional character you don't have to directly deal with. If Sarah had a real boyfriend, I fear you would have double the annoyance.

Good luck, Annoyed!