According toThe Huffington Post, the country that eats the least meat is India, with only seven pounds per person per year. That in itself is pretty shocking, but even more shocking is the #1 country. Namely, the fact that it’s NOT AMERICA.


What’s wrong with us, people? We already have the reputation of the unhealthiest country in the world. One in three of our residents are obese. Our diabetes and heart disease rates are skyrocketing by the year. And yet we still drop the ball on the one good thing that might have come out of all this gluttony: being number one.


Now, I’m not here to fan the flames of America’s flagrant obsession with being number one at things. Space race, GDP, number of billions spent on defense, you name it – we will strive to beat you. I think it has something to do with founder’s envy – we feel other countries know something we don’t because they’re all so much older than us. If the world were a playground, America would be the short kid who feels the need to compensate for his height and subsequently makes it his personal goal to win at foursquare every single time. 


But this time, we’ve let the most important red rubber ball slip through our fingers (the ball metaphors will stop soon, I swear) and into the hands of the puniest kid on the block.


Luxembourg.


That’s right: a country smaller than the state of Rhode Island has managed weasel its way past us into the top spot for the world’s meat-eaters, at 300 pounds of meat per person a year.


What’s infuriating is the U.S. is currently at 276 pounds per person. That means if every citizen could just find it in their hearts to eat 24 more pounds of meat per year, we could have the top spot. That’s only 120 Big Macs, people! And since each Big Mac costs about $3.57, that’s only…$428 more to spend every year! Okay, that seems like a lot. But consider the cost to your country’s pride if you fail to do so. 


What’s that you say? That 18 percent of the world’s greenhouse gas emissions are linked to livestock farming? Well I say, the more sun the better! Makes for better grilling weather anyway. That McDonald’s has been notoriously irresponsible in its advertising to kids? I say, let them go at it! The bigger our army of little meat eaters, the better chance we have at beating Luxembourg. That the average chicken farmer is $500,000 in debt? No better way to solve that than to EAT MORE MEAT! That Jamie Oliver will get emotional? Consider the tears of Uncle Sam when he realizes we’ve been beat out by a country that could fit into Texas 268 times.


I’m warning you, America. If we don’t win this one, we’ll have to resort to winning other battles, like which country can get the most people to donate money to fake organizations. Oh, wait. We already do that.


Sam Stepp is a senior majoring in journalism. Email recipes, suggestions or comments to [email protected]