I love my ex. We can’t ever seem to really break up. The sex is so great! We fight, but then makeup…. I can’t seem to leave him. What should I do? –Distressed and Horny

To the distressed and horny lady whom this may concern,

In loving relationships, you are only really truly with your partner in two different places: In bed and not in bed. If your nine-inch knight in shining armor can pulverize the puss, control the clit and get you screaming louder than a newborn baby, then you better snatch (pun intended) those b-e-a-utiful balls and hold onto them until your six feet under. Until Walgreens starts selling bed shaking, fire hose orgasms in aisle 69 for $6.99 (on sale), I think you’ve found yourself a keeper. I mean, seriously, where would you rather be: inside a person’s heart or inside a person’s pants. For girls, there is no better feeling than sticking their hand into a pocket, grabbing the rocket, and shooting the stars…all over their English homework. True story. I told her she should have typed it up on her cumputer. Whatever, her fault, not mine. Forget the whole pansy third grade “kiss and make up” bullshit. The only thing you should be kissing is his scrumdiddlyumptious scrotum and the only thing you should make up is your mind on whether or not you want to get piledriven from the back or from the front. For all you uneducated sexicians out there, piledriving someone consists of thrusting your bodyweight so hard into a vag that her appendix bursts. True story. So I guess the million-dollar question now is should you leave him in the dust? On one hand, beige has a better personality than him. On the other hand, the sex is like a great appetizer, always leaving you wanting more. Truthfully, it doesn’t really matter to me because both hands should be wrapped around his cock 24/7 anyway. That’s all for humpday this week, and remember, quit thinking and keep drinking…

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