University of Wisconsin Interim Dean of Students Lori Berquam gets my vote for the overzealous, super-mother of the year award.
She had a watchful eye on her 40,000 or so rambunctious little rascals last weekend as thousands of them were intoxicated from all that highly-dangerous beer and hard liquor in the little playpen that she likes to call State Street. Momma Berquam was happy that most of them got their homework done during the week and that her kids continually receive international recognition for performing extremely well in one on of the toughest public schools in the country. However, her children's school does have a reputation as the No. 1 party school in the nation, according to the Princeton Review; an award she vehemently dislikes.
The kids looked awful "cute" in their little Halloween costumes. Little Johnny and his friends even dressed up as a sperm along with eight of his recess buddies, swimming down the little fallopian tube called State Street after their friend Katie, who was dressed up as the egg. Most of the kids behaved well, up until about 1:30 a.m. Sunday morning, when a handful of the little brats refused to come home after the police played an announcement over the loudspeakers.
The children who were causing such trouble might have been mad because Momma Berquam and our other parents in the Bascom Hall Daycare Center decided that the dorms would be off limits to out of town 'sleepovers' that weekend. Also, I heard rumors that the daycare center sent letters to kids at other schools to discourage them from coming to the party. Unfortunately for Momma, that only made them want to come more, as there were an estimated 100,000 or so children that attended.
Thankfully, only a small portion of Momma Berquam's kids were really naughty that weekend. Even though most of her children were good, Momma got pretty upset. She's now calling for much worse punishment than a good old fashioned spanking.
"They would be on probation for up to two years", Mamma Berquam told Channel 3 News, presumably after talking it over with Daddy Wiley first. "That could really hurt their opportunity to get into a particular school."
In all seriousness, Ms. Berquam and overzealous members of the UW administration need to understand something; you are not our parents! You are administrators whose job it is not to nanny-state, but to rather to educate. Halloween is not officially connected with the UW in any way.
Frankly, it is you people in the administration who constantly refuse to acknowledge that the students at this great university are legal adults, and should be treated as such. For the morons who caused trouble by punching police horses, rioting and fighting with authorities, let the police deal with them. But you have no business getting involved, period.
It is unconscionable that you wouldn't have learned that trying to baby sit in some quasi-authoritarian way does not work and hasn't worked in the past. The ALRC's drink special ban failed, as crime rates went up after it was instituted. Don't you realize that draconian measures such as calling the parents of students who go to detox is not working? Don't you realize that your constant yearlong, fear-mongering crusades over Halloween are not working? Don't you realize that despite your efforts, Halloween in Madison is a tradition that will not stop happening? Don't you realize that students will be less likely to seek professional help at UHS for drug and alcohol problems if they think you're going to act like overreaching parents by "tattling" on them?
In reaction to criticism over university officials calling the parents of students who have an "over-intoxication" problem, Berquam told the Wisconsin State Journal, "Honestly, it's because we want to tell them when they're alive, not call them when they're dead." That all sounds wonderful and may be well intentioned, but just like anything else in life, drinking is a risk that students knowingly take. It will, inevitably, involve making mistakes. Hopefully, those students who caused problems will learn from their experiences.
The best way to learn is through personal experience and free will, not parental authoritarianism. A drink special ban, a letter home to a parent, a call from the UW, or any other patronizing measure hasn't stopped ONE student from drinking or getting seriously injured as a result. If you treat adults like children, they are going to act like children.
It's time for the UW administrators to stop the patronizing, and realize that the way students behave on Halloween is none of their business because it's not their event in any way. When students come to this university, they are customers, not wardens of the state or infants at a day care center. As for interim Dean of Students Lori "Momma" Berquam, I'll call you in about 10 years when I need a babysitter.
Casey Hoff ([email protected]) is a UW student and host of "New Ground with Casey Hoff," live Monday through Friday, 9-11 a.m., on Madison 1670 The Pulse.
