Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.
In matters of self-congratulation the Gentle Clowns have continued their historic sporting winning streak over their rival newspaper the Dirty Birds. In a match some have described as “too easy” and “almost hilariously uncompetitive” the Gentle Clowns team came out of their beer-soaked journalism caves and dominated in an altogether nerdy, beta sport known as “ultimate frisbee.”
Disappointed in the fact that frisbee isn’t made any more fun by adding an ultimate in front of it — and in spite of the urge to bully themselves for playing it — the Gentle Clowns proved that true champions adjust to new circumstances by rocketing to a hefty four point lead out the gates.
Hitting back with the force of a 140-pound banter editor, the Dirty Birds would respond with a touchdown of their own. However, led by the steel resolve and booming voice of team Captain CC Big Irons, Sports Editor Mad Dawg Bingley and Banter Editor Ford Kingston V combined with some slick combo passing to put home the Clowns’ response. The Clowns would seal the first of the three game series by immediately recovering after kickoff and putting away an easy pointaroo.
Hoping to see if the Dirty Birds had any dawg left in them whatsoever after such a humiliating first game, the Gentle Clowns mercifully skipped straight past the B team and subbed on their C team. Despite having a line up that included Occasional Writer Snaaard Flipflop, and John “Just Some Guy Who was There” Doe, the Clowns continued to dominate the proceedings — thanks to the brilliant game plan and on field adjustments made by coaches Overlord Jenna Howitzer and Harietta “The Lioness of Snodgrass” Diggins.
If not for Hohurtz missing several pinpoint touchdown passes from Mister Kingston V and the Mad Dawg — throwing a small fit and refusing to help out on defense for the entire last of the game — the Gentle Clowns would’ve easily swept the second game six to zero. But the Clowns had to settle for a disappointing six to one victory.
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With two games in hand, the Clowns put the series away before it even reached the full three games and left no doubt as to which paper was the more athletic and tactical. In a sign of surrender, the Dirty Birds staff would approach the celebrating Clowns and tell them they were not only the prettiest newspaper staff on campus, but also a beacon of journalistic integrity for student news everywhere. In response, the Gentle Clowns staff was reported to have called them “NPCs” while sticking “L” signs on their foreheads.
