Alright, let’s talk about toilet paper. Some of you may have a reflexive ick from even the thought of those supple soft sheets that do the dirty work. But we all have to use it, so let’s throw out our internal biases and just chat. No matter what, when you go drop the kids off at the pool, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: fold or scrunch? This debate has withstood the test of time. Ever since 1857, when toilet paper was invented, the disgusting barbarians who scrunch have quarreled with the unsullied snobs who fold.
We will dissect the strengths and weaknesses of both in this point-counterpoint article.
Point: Folding is the only civilized way to go
Folding is the nice, neat way to go. When you’re done committing the act, you want to forget about it and move on. You don’t need any greater shame while you are perched on the porcelain throne. Folding reminds you that you are human. It reminds you that you have control over your toilet time and will go through a carefully planned process to ensure the greatest cleanliness possible. We aren’t squatting in the woods and using a leaf.
We are humans, not sasquatches.
Counterpoint: Scrunching is just more fun
When you drop it like it’s hot, it doesn’t have to be filled with shame and regret. Some, in fact many, actually enjoy their time on the john. If you’re lame, you’ll just grab a couple of squares and neatly fold it like the square you are. But that’s just the same boring fold every time, reminding you of the mundane task at hand. One way to make the whole ordeal more fun is to spice up your wiping time. Each scrunch represents a new opportunity for Downy origami. Each experience is unique, like a snowflake. The more creative you get, the more fun it is. Just think of the good ol’ days of making fortune tellers in elementary school.
Point: Scrunching saves time
Pooping is nobody’s favorite act, and some just want to get in, get it over with, and get out. The scrunch is the only toilet paper method to ensure the quickest bathroom time possible. Who has time to sit on the toilet longer than needed? Folding just simply wastes your time. While the folders of the world are grabbing and carefully folding their paper, the scrunchers of the world get out of the bathroom, and probably save years of their lives.
All that time spent folding could be better spent trading dogecoin or creating some toilet paper-themed NFT and getting rich.
Counterpoint: Maximum cleanliness > time
Sure, the barbaric scrunchers of the world may save a second here and there, but in the end, folding is the best way to maximize surface area and ensure maximum cleanliness. That’s worth a couple of seconds. Besides, some of the most skilled folders establish a routine and can grab and fold with their eyes closed in a matter of milliseconds. Plus, the folders can gain those seconds back by simply not washing their hands.
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Point: Folding conserves material
Buying toilet paper is something we all have to do. Think back to the great tp shortage of 2020. Everybody needs to use the stuff so you may as well make every square count. Folding is an efficient, conservative method of use, allowing for maximum wipe per square. The scrunchers out there are wasting squares like the oxygen they breathe. Nobody should be using more than they need.
Counterpoint: Who cares?
Your time in the restroom is sacred. It belongs to you and no one else but you. So if you want to go around saving your squares, wasting your time with a neat little fold, fine by me. But don’t bark at me for trying to entertain myself with a couple of extra squares so I can shave seconds off my time. Don’t go around being a hater, let everybody wipe however they want to wipe. And scrunching just ain’t that barbaric, it’s literally just a chaotic fold.
Well, there you have it, folks. The strongest arguments from all sides of the debate as this reporter sees it. I hope this discussion taught you a thing or two about compassion and empathy. If you think scrunchers are savages and don’t deserve respect, try a scrunch here and there, walk a mile in their shoes and take a poop on their toilet. And same goes for the scrunchers that think folders are snooty time wasters, try a fold here and there. See how clean it makes you feel. I’m shocked if you made it this far, but the morale of the story: there is none. Just don’t be a hater about a bodily function we all go through.
