It would be easy to say that the freshly released Paris Hilton home-sex video “sucks,” given that the up-and-coming actress spends the last fifteen seconds of the film… well, let’s not go there. But let it suffice to say that the flick, which has been making the rounds over the Internet, is more than slightly lacking.
On the quality continuum that spans from the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee erotic escapade to the Tonya Harding/Jeff Gillooly nauseating tryst, the Hilton tape falls closer toward the figure-skating end of things. Yet the hotel heiress’ rendezvous comes equipped with a certain shock value that was absent from the two aforementioned landmarks in the limited genre. Ms. Anderson-Lee had shown her skin many times prior to the tape’s release, and Ms. Harding’s video only garnered notoriety when the Olympian attained criminal infamy for having Mr. Gillooly batter her leading teammate like an overstuffed piñata.
Ms. Hilton’s bittersweet celebrity is now all but guaranteed by her upcoming Fox reality show, “The Simple Life,” which transplants the young star from her posh city confines to a lactose-rich farm. Think of the series as “The Beverly Hillbillies” in reverse.
And this exercise in amateur voyeurism should lay to rest any doubts as to just how far Ms. Hilton will be out of her element; 55 seconds into the three and a half minute sex tape, the blonde’s cell phone goes off, prompting her to crawl off of the bed, much to her lover’s dismay. This is perhaps the tape’s most memorable moment, an exercise in kinky humor tantamount to when Ms. Anderson-Lee pointedly asked Mr. Lee, “Where are we?”
Electronics sure do keep Ms. Hilton entertained, as she seems to expend far more effort making love to the camera with her eyes than she does making love to her boyfriend, Rick Soloman, with her body. It is rather amusing to see her prance about the bed, with her makeup-heavy eyes fixated on the unmanned camera.
Ms. Hilton’s optical flirtations notwithstanding, the cinematography is simply horrid. A blurry, sometimes green-tainted picture does little to complement the video’s sex appeal, and the zoom is continuously held too tight to capture all of the couple’s actions. The lack of color is disappointing; one would think that Ms. Hilton could afford a slightly nicer camcorder.
Then again, it is apparent that this is the actress’ freshman skin flick, as the action is momentarily paused while her lover takes the time to explain certain camera-friendly positions. Now, Ms. Hilton’s comfort reveals her to be far from a virgin, but it is nonetheless amusing to see the apparent nymphomaniac have her hand held as she matriculates into the arena of adult entertainment.
Sex appeal notwithstanding, the world of smut just isn’t for this wealthy brat. Ms. Hilton is far more worthwhile in her momentary cameo in “The Cat in the Hat” (a kids film, go figure) than she is in this short flick.
The rumor is that Mr. Soloman will be releasing even more footage in the coming months and that this cyber clip is merely meant to serve as a trailer. But unless the elongated version reveals daddy to be on the other end of the ringing cell phone, you’re better off sticking with figure skaters and Playmates.
Grade: C
