Hagstrom

This weekend Wisconsin heads to Minnesota for the 117th
"Battle of the Axe." The all-time series has been close, with Minnesota coming
out ahead with 59 wins to Wisconsin's 49 (there have also been eight ties).

These days, however, it's more like Paul Bunyan versus a
group of trees; the mighty Badgers have sawed down the Gophers 10 of the past
12 times, including a 48-12 decimation at Camp Randall last season.

As Bunyan would bellow to his fellow loggers when they tried
to beat the man at his trade, it won't be fair; the game shouldn't even be a
contest. That's of course assuming Tyler Donovan is what he said he was
following last Saturday's win over Michigan: healthy enough to "go another four
quarters."

Minnesota (1-10, 0-7 Big Ten) is despicably bad. They
haven't won, it seems, since there was a land before "The Land Before Time."
Two of its losses came against lowly North Dakota State and Florida Atlantic.

As for the Gophers' defense? Where? I don't see a defense.
It can't stop a tortoise from tearing up — or down — the field, let alone a
Badger, ranking dead last in the NCAA among major schools.

In sum, I have a proposition to make: Let's change the
trophy to "Who's the better school? Well, I've got this to prove it."

Not only would this prize give the timbered (fallen) Gophers
an opportunity to humiliate the Badgers if they managed to win, but also it
would give meaning to the heated border battle once more.

With the new trophy slogan, the rivalry is clear. And the
opportunities to brazenly denounce your opponent for an entire year are
endless. 

Ax the trophies' meaningless name and put substance back
into this rivalry. 

Point: "Who's the better school? Well, I've got this to
prove it."  

Voelkel

Rivalry is one of the greatest things about college sports.
When two schools with similar demographics square off against each other on the
football field, the result is usually a heated battle for bragging rights.

The Wisconsin-Minnesota border rivalry is no different.
Whether it is "safety school" chants or creative T-shirts featuring Wisconsin’s
Bucky and Minnesota’s Goldy, the pride students find in the superiority felt from
a victory in the longest-running college football rivalry is unmatched.

The Badgers and Gophers have played 116 times to date, but
with the way each team is playing this year, the Badgers have as good an
opportunity as ever to accomplish the football equivalent of shooting your age
in golf: scoring the same number of points as the rivalry is old.

While the Paul Bunyan Axe has gone to the victor for the
last 60 years, the series has become so lopsided that a change might be in
order.

Not to spit in the face of history or pick a fight with
someone bigger than me — which Bunyan and his ox Babe definitely are — but the
rivalry needs some new spice. I mean, they put A/C in the White House,
non-natural grass on Lambeau Field and Barry Bonds’ name on top of Hammerin’
Hank’s, why not give the Badgers and Gophers something new to play for?

That’s why I propose, when the two teams take the field
Saturday in "The Dome," they play for the new trophy: the Tuition Bill.

Don’t you think fans would be guaranteed a great game every
year if reciprocity were on the table? Reggie Bush’s alleged six figure bribe
would be small potatoes compared to some of the shady backroom recruiting that
would go on.

Even with his sense of history, there’s no way Bret Bielema
would be opposed to it. For once, it would really give his team a shot at going
1-0 in the rivalry game.

In the words of scholar and former Minnesota resident Randy
Moss: Straight cash. Homie.