Kevin Hagstrom

Mascots represent team and school pride. Their actions and on-field performances can be humorous, but at sometimes they're just plain annoying.

Steely McBeam and Sluggerrr are terrible names for the Pittsburgh Steelers and punchless Kansas City Royals, and The Stanford Tree doesn't make any sense.

However, Dartmouth's Keggy the Keg tops them all as the most annoying.

I mean, seriously, an Ivy League school has a keg as its mascot? Those people rarely ever party, let alone worship kegs.

The school's mascot would be better off having a name like Smarty Pants, where a pair of pants with some Smarties (the candy) randomly assorted on them ran around. That's how lame the name and how obnoxious the connection to the school is.

Speaking of annoying, students were so displeased with Keggy that they kidnapped the mascot right after its creation and gave it a black eye.

A member of ESPN's "Pardon the Interruption," Michael Wilbon, once called Keggy "some stupid beer thing."

And in what was charged as "anti-keg racism" by Keggy's creators, Dartmouth's mascot was denied entrance to several sporting events.

Worse than the actual negative reactions themselves is that if I'm wrong in my conjecture that Dartmouth students spend more time studying than partying, being taunted and tempted by a keg from which you cannot drink is torture.

While a tree for the Stanford Cardinal makes no sense, at least nobody in his right mind yearns for its frothy, cool ale inside.

So raise your glasses and toast to the most annoying mascot in sports, Keggy the Keg.

Ben Voelkel

Mascots come in all shapes and sizes. Some are cuddly, some menacing and some don’t make much sense at all. But is rare to find a mascot who can break it down to some serious hip-hop jams.

Enter Sebastian, the mascot of the University of Miami Hurricanes.

The old saying is you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but apparently that doesn’t apply to all members of the animal kingdom.

Sebastian, an oversized polyester Ibis, has been around "The U" since the late ’50s, but only lately has he added a new trick to his resume: the dance to the Soulja Boy’s "Crank That," which has launched him into YouTube cult status.

Now, this is not the space to debate the relative merits of crankin’ dat Soulja Boy, and I’m not the proper person to judge how best to Superman a ho, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that while it may be cool in some circumstances, having a giant bird do so is a little overkill.

This is not to say that Sebastian is not nimble on his feet. He is a tremendous dancer and has better rhythm and moves than almost everyone I know (except for your humble columnist, of course). Mascots should just stick to fighting with each other and posing for pictures with little kids.

How is a keg not an awesome mascot? If anything best represents collegiate life, it is, in fact, Keggy.

Sebastian. Crank dat!