Okay, folks. It’s almost the end of the semester, and I’m getting tired of silly things like thesis statements and supporting arguments. Accordingly, I’ve replaced this week’s regularly scheduled column with a question-and-answer forum. So without further ado:
Question: You’re just using this Q&A format because you’re jealous of Monday’s Earth Day banter between the Herald editors, aren’t you?
Answer: Yes.
Q: Would you like to make an intelligent contribution to that debate over drilling in ANWR without suggesting that certain politicians go wrestle some very large caribou?
A: No.
Q: Fair enough. I’ve heard that you and Dick Clark are enemies. Why is that?
A: A few months back, I spent 12 hours in Times Square for Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve. Up until about 10 that night, the festivities consisted of freezing various body parts, counting down every hour for practice and then freezing some more. There was no music, and the DiscoverCard Trivia Challenge (When did DiscoverCard begin? How many people use DiscoverCard?) did not turn out to be the rousing crowd-pleaser Madison Avenue had evidently expected.
But you wouldn’t know this from watching Dick Clark, who only ventured from his cozy studio long enough to do the token crowd interviews. Of course, every time the camera would swing overhead, the crowd would go crazy, yelling and screaming and waving whatever body parts had not yet frozen, so that Mr. Clark could show television audiences he really was hosting a rockin’ party.
Q: Are you saying television doesn’t always accurately portray events or attitudes and that we should be reluctant to make sweeping generalizations based on second or third-hand knowledge?
A: No, this is just about Dick Clark and me.
Q: In that case, this column probably won’t get much online feedback. Have you considered mentioning the Middle East?
A: Why would I do something like that?
Q: Just a thought. Besides, if you don’t remind your readers about the Middle East, their attention might needlessly wander to countries like Belarus, China and Zimbabwe.
A: You think I have readers?
Q: I think I better go back to asking the questions. In one of your past columns, you threatened to yet again mention the book by Jim Feldman entitled, “The Buildings of the University of Wisconsin.” Why haven’t you?
A: I didn’t want to give the Assembly Republicans any new ideas for ridiculous revenue sources.
Q: We certainly do have some prime real estate. That reminds me, did you ever read the pamphlet on lead-based paint that you got from the friendly folks at your housing management company?
A: Yes. It cautions against eating the paint.
Q: Isn’t lead a proven carcinogen that is associated with birth defects?
A: Why yes, it is.
Q: Just out of curiosity, isn’t secondhand smoke also a proven carcinogen that is associated with birth defects?
A: Why yes, it is.
Q: Hold on. Are you trying to make a comparison between the paint and tobacco industries?
A: No. The paint industry stopped making their deadly product in 1978.
Q: Thanks for clearing that up. During the recent ASM elections, did you send each of the nine candidates from the College of Engineering a lengthy e-mail in which you asked them to respond to ten essay questions?
A: Yes.
Q: I bet they all blew you off, didn’t they?
A: That’s what I was expecting. Actually, I received very prompt, thorough and thoughtful responses from Dan Schrickel, Charlie Sieb and Steve Weiss.
Q: Wow. Did you know that two of the three won ASM seats?
A: Yes. It’s quite reassuring to realize I’ll be represented by people who actually care about representing me.
Q: Could this have something to do with the fact that you voted?
A: Possibly. It’s hard to say.
Q: Lastly, I noticed the Daily Cardinal no longer features a Reader of the Day. Does this unfortunate reality end your tireless pursuit of that ultimate honor?
A: Never. As God is my witness, I will be the Cardinal Reader of the Day.
Bryant Walker Smith (bsmith@badgerherald.com) is a senior majoring in civil engineering.