Everybody loves 40s. You all have stories about that time when one of your friends tried to have three Colt .45s and passed out by 10 p.m. 40s are the be-all, end-all of cheap drinking fun. But, is there a beverage that is more potent and more cost-effective? The answer to that age-old question is yes, there is, and it is called Night Train.
My friends and I stumbled upon Night Train one night as we ventured to Woodman’s to be winos for the evening. As we perused the cheap wine aisle, the prices kept getting cheaper and cheaper until on the bottom shelf we saw it, a bottle of wine for $1.99. His interest piqued, one of my cohorts picked it up and we saw the “red wine” sloshing around the bottle. We were intrigued by the instructions on the label to “Serve very cold”.
It was then decided by majority vote that we had found our beverage for the evening. As we proceeded to load our cart full of bottles a gentleman approached us and asked, “So what are you guys going to mix with that?” We replied that we didn’t plan on mixing it with anything as it was just cheap wine and meant to be consumed as is. He then proceeded to inform us that it was in our best interest to drink the Train mixed and slowly. His advice would later be reflected upon as prophetic. We took his advice into consideration and checked out spending just over $20 for 10 bottles.
As soon as we walked in the door we sat down and broke out our purchase. Our first order of business was to examine the bouquet that our beverages provided. I can only say for myself that the odor was somewhere between gasoline and rubbing alcohol. Then again, what did we expect for $2? Then came the taste — if someone combined antifreeze with grape juice, this would most probably be the result. After the initial gagging we decided that it might be in our best interest to put the Train on the rocks, and after chilling it with the ice the Train was barely palatable. After a while a sticky film developed on the rim of our glasses that made our lips stick with each swallow. After one glass each of us became more buzzed until as the bottle was finished our sight was slightly mired.
It is important now to distinguish between the drunk of drinking Night Train and the drunk of the malt liquor of a 40. Malt liquor is kind of like beer, as it lets you keep your wits about you. The Night Train is true to its name and it is a ride. When drinking Night Train you are blotto. My friends and I are, when sober, very erudite and witty men, but when exposed to the Train commit nefarious deeds.
Night Train causes large amounts of memory loss accompanied by an increase in irritability and tendencies toward fighting. Whatever you do, DO NOT have two bottles in one sitting, ever. My friend SB tried this feat and was reduced to throwing furniture and making outrageous claims like he could swing from trees.
With all of these negative factors, why is Night Train better than a 40? Night Train takes you to the spot two 40s gets you in half of the time and half of the price. After all, how can you go wrong with a beverage immortalized by Gun’s N’ Roses? The lyric “I’m on the Night Train” couldn’t be more accurate. You don’t just drink Night Train, you are on it.