Dear Humpday,

What are some ways to last longer in bed? I heard Tantra is one way, but how do you do that?

Always Lasts Longer, Ends Never

Hello ALLEN,

People typically want to have sex longer, equating increase in the length of time in bed to greater satisfaction. That doesn’t have to be the case. But before we try to convince you that quickies can be just as incredible as seven hours of sex, let’s quickly explain what Tantra is, because though it is tossed about in every guide to having mind-blowing sex, it is seldom fully understood.

We are not going to go into the nitty gritty of Tantra and Tantric sex. Suffice it to say that Tantra stems from philosophical and spiritual practices influenced by many Asian traditions. One aspect of Tantra is channeling energy. Energy can arise from many different areas, sexuality being one of them. The goal of Tantra during sex is not mind-blowing orgasms — though those may indeed happen — it’s about connecting with a partner and channeling the energy that arises between the partners. With such intent, it’s easy to see why Tantra is associated with lengthier bedroom times. It’s a bit hard to build energy between partners if you are rushed.

Tantra is really focused on intention and awareness. Before beginning any sexual act, you should prepare the area you are going to be playing in. From putting on some good music to changing the lighting and aroma in the room, or even simply changing the sheets, the space you want to sexually explore in should reflect that intent. As you are beginning to touch each other, eye contact is key to becoming aware of what each partner is experiencing. It also increases the sexual energy, becoming more deeply connected with a person as you watch them grow more and more aroused. Awareness and really focusing on your partner can also help you reign in your sexual energy if you feel your body is getting ahead of the playing. Because you and your partner are building the sexual energy together, shifting your focus onto your partner’s pleasure can help you pause your arousal and increase your partner’s.

The key to building sexual energy with your partner is breathing. One technique calls for straddling your partner’s thighs while facing them. You then sync your breathing to your partner’s. When he or she breathes in, you breathe out and vice versa, until you are both breathing in each other’s breath. Focusing on your own breath and his or her breathing will allow you to grow more conscious of the energy that will build between you. As you breathe deeply, you relax further, allowing the different sensations in your body to course through you.

As mentioned before, Tantra is not about rushing to orgasm. It’s not even about orgasm. Tantric sex is about fully exploring and enjoying the entire experience, building the connection and energy between partners. This same approach is used to help people who have a hard time experiencing orgasm. You are more likely to achieve orgasm when you are feeling the pleasure building, truly conscious and unworried as your body and mind start winding higher and tighter toward ecstasy.

Now that’s a brief introduction to Tantric sex. Granted, some people may not be into breathing. There are other ways to last longer during sex. For some people, cock rings can help maintain an erection for longer as the ring slightly restricts the blood from being released too quickly. Cock rings come in all different sizes and styles, from leather and nylon to metal and even platinum. A cock ring can either be fitted around the base of a penis or fastened under the balls and over the base of the penis. To get the correct size of the cock ring, you need to do a little math. Take a string and slip it around the area that will be wearing the cock ring. Mark the string and then measure it. Divide by pi (that’s 3.14). That’s the size you’ll want to get.

Put the cock ring on when you are semi-erect. For beginners, getting an adjustable or stretchable cock ring is recommended. If it’s a solid O-ring, start with inserting one ball and then the other and then lightly pushing the penis through (this should NOT hurt at all). Or you can simply roll it down or fasten it at the base of the penis. We’ve all seen those Viagra commercials. Don’t wear your cock ring for longer than 20 minutes, as restricting blood flow for longer can potentially lead to tissue damage.

Other options for slowing down and lasting longer in bed are using multiple sex dams and/or condoms at the same time to slightly decrease the sensations. Changing positions and location can also alter your attention and the way your body feels, leading to longer play. But all this talk of lasting longer in bed can also take some of the fun out of playing with your partner or even yourself. Sure, planning and concentrating and taking your time can be incredible. But sometimes a really quick quickie, when you both are just ripping clothes off of each other and going at it until the bed breaks can be just the thing you needed all week! Enjoy the ride, whether the both of you go at it at 120 miles per hour, or pause and intently lick every curve on your partner’s body.

This article was written by Nicolette Pawlowski. Nicolette is a graduate student in EPS, a salsa dancer and a sexual health educator. All questions are from real readers. Keep ’em coming! E-mail: [email protected].