I have a question that I would love for the sex team to answer for me. I am trying to discover the best approach for making anal sex sound appealing to my lady. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love the vagina, but every now and then I wouldn’t mind getting a little freaky (or freakier than normal, I guess). I have tried everything: 1. I would use lube 2. I would be gentle 3. I would warm her up first (you know, the 1, 2, 3 finger rule). She is just not having it. What else can I do?

Bent on Upping The Task

Dear BUTT,

It’s definitely awesome to try new things with a partner. When it comes to the butt, however, many people aren’t interested in heading there because of some misconceived notions. Specifically: poop. Many people think the butt is simply made for the pooping function and that the moment you start playing back there poop will start flying. That is simply not true.

So let’s do a quick anatomy lesson to dispel those worries. You have the colon and the rectum. The rectum is about 6 inches long and is the canal your finger would enter if you were to slide it (with lube) past the anal sphincter. The colon is curled after the rectum and is the place where poop is stored until it is ready to be removed. The only time you have to worry about poop is when it moves from the colon into the rectum. We all know when that happens because we all typically get that full feeling in our butt at least once a day, meaning you should be heading to the toilet some time soon. With regular bath time and wiping front to back, there will be only trace amounts of poop anywhere around the butt. If your honey is still worried about that, an enema of water before playing can remove any last traces.

Now, dear readers, I am sure you are thinking, why play back there at all? Nerves! Bunches of them! That’s what makes sex so great! The rectum has tons of nerves that are just waiting to be titillated and stroked. And for male-bodied individuals, you can access the prostate, also termed the male g-spot. Some people swear the orgasms they have through the anus are the best they have ever experienced. Of course, others swear that a good kiss is the best high ever produced. To each their own.

Sex in the butt can be incredible. Now that we have put aside poop fright, let’s explore how it’s best done to reach those great orgasmic heights. For someone who is just starting out with anal play, it’s best to mix it in with the regular stuff. As you are licking her clit, take a well lubed finger and lightly stroke her sphincter. You can even do some rimming (a.k.a. butt licking) as you finger your partner. Note that a sex dam (a square piece of latex that comes in different colors and flavors) can help protect you from STIs during oral sex and also add some extra fruity flavor. Mix the new with the already awesome to get your partner relaxed and warmed up for some additional anal fun.

As you have already mentioned, you need to start out small. Start with one finger and work up. Try a small butt plug (a sex toy with a flared base) and use it while having vaginal intercourse. Because of the thin wall between the vagina and the butt, both of you will have added stimulation from the little toy. Now a time line in mind. Some butts are really tight. Some people need to take months in order to relax and allow anything larger into their rectum besides the pinky. Do not move onto something bigger until your partner wants something bigger.

Let’s quickly touch on lube. Lube is super important because the anus, along with the penis, has no natural lubricant of its own. So you need to add some. The thicker the lubricant, the better. Silicone lubes works great because they last longer, but there are also some wonderful water based lubes made specifically for anal sex, such as Boy Butter H20 Lube. Try different ones out in every area, as different parts of your body may like different lubes.

It’s also important that intercourse, whether vaginal or anal, be protected with a condom, unless you are both fluid bonded — meaning you have both been tested for STIs and agree to only share fluids with each other. Grab a condom that is ribbed or studded, that extra sensation can really add extra oomph.

Now, if after you talk to her about all of these points, outside of the bedroom where there is less pressure, and perhaps after trying a little stroking of the butt while you eat her out, and she is still not interested, you are going to have to respect her wishes. If she’s not into it, she’s not into it. Sometimes no amount of discussion will get someone to try something that they don’t want. And that’s OK. Sex is supposed to be fun, for the both of you. And it can get really freaky even without anal. There are tons of different areas you can explore and try, anal sex is just one of them. Fulfill a sexual fantasy, massage each other’s feet and try some sex on the kitchen counter. Enjoy yourselves, whether in the butt or in the twat (or the feet, the ears, the neck… you get the picture).

This article was written by Nicolette Pawlowsk and Suzie Baker. Suzie is a sexual health education coordinator and wannabe homemaker and Nicolette is a graduate student in EPS, a salsa dancer and a sexual health educator. All questions are from real readers. Keep ’em coming! E-mail: [email protected].