Helen Keller
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that Helen Keller was an inspiration to us all.

The London-born chimpanzee researches, completely changing how we view our primate relatives. To be honest there aren’t many jokes that come with this one, Hellen received many awards such as the Gold Medal of Conservation from the San Diego Zoological Society and Wildlife Conservation Prize.

A television show about Hellen’s work oddly named, Miss Goodall and the Wild Chimpanzees was aired to spread the joy of Keller’s research to the world. A LinkedIn connection I would be proud to honor in my network.

OJ Simpson
Me and OJ Simpson connecting on LinkedIn would work perfectly, some might say it would fit like a glove.

Not only did the man rush for 11,236 yards while on the Buffalo Bills and San Francisco 49ers, but he also attempted to transition into a Nascar career 15 years after his retirement from football. Pushing his Ford Bronco to a top speed of 65 mph he showed that his athleticism truly went beyond the football field.

Sadly even though he would be an amazing LinkedIn connection, OJ Simpson was controversially arrested and charged for a major incident after his football career.

I’m not talking about the clown show of his first case but in 2009 when he was convicted of robbing someone of his own memorabilia. Apparently when you run with the ball that long the instinct to attack someone who recovered your fumbled football never goes
away.

Susan B. Anthony
Susan’s biggest accomplishment in her life was making huge strides in the women’s suffrage movement. To be completely honest, I think it was about time that women no longer suffered.

It makes my blood absolutely boil when women suffer and to all our women readers, I genuinely wish I could do whatever it takes to unburden you from some of your pain. Suzie did a superb job helping women, and personally I believe we should be doing more for women internationally.

I mean women are so awesome and fun and empathetic and helpful and courageous and totally underpaid and stuff. On a side note, if any women are interested in talking more about how I can help fight the patriarchy I’m a part of like Margot Robbie did in the movie Barbie, I’ll leave my phone number, email and MySpace below  so we can maybe go get coffee…

Daily Cardinal

Rest in piss the Daily Cardinal. You had your time in the spotlight but Juan Tesikel and Tony Doncer now have publishing power so you might as well not even try. If anyone from The Beet department at the Cardinal wants to settle this through hand-to-hand combat at the Nicholas Recreation center, just name the time and the place.

Afterwards I’ll send over the LinkedIn request if you know what I mean.

Caillou
Caillou was a childhood hero to many people and provided the entertainment we all needed in this dark world. The expectations that Caillou had to live up to was astounding, and he did all that while dealing with his own demons. You see, Caillou was diagnosed with Leukemia right out the womb.

The poor guy was spawned camped, yet he did not let that stop him. Everyday, he would put on that sly smile of his and rizz the pants off the world; even on days where he had chemo. With the equivalent radioactive power of Chernobyl, that bald little fucker had a warmth about him that made us all feel atomically warm inside.

Please accept my LinkedIn connection Caillou, so I can just be a little closer to the spark that is your radioactive soul.

Sydney Sweeney
This one was by far the hardest one to choose, some might even say rock hard. Me and my investigative team didn’t make this decision lightly and spent hours pouring over footage to make sure Sydney was a valuable LinkedIn connection. We asked our Editor-in-Chief Blake Thor if the Banter’s editorial staff could receive funding to continue our research but was unsuccessful in securing the fund (be on the lookout for the GoFundMe link coming soon).

Out of everyone on the list Sydney, or the Sween as I call her, has by far the biggest personality. Some may argue that Syd isn’t dead so can’t be on this list, but personally I think she’s
someone worth dying for, so if she sends the request I am willing to be the one to hold up my end of the bargain.

JFK
John F. Kennedy’s tenure in office was mind blowing. Not much else needed to be said. LinkedIn request needed.

Steven Hawking
Steven Hawking was one of the brightest minds of our time, and despite his ALS, he still was able to accomplish this feat. His theory on. . . no. I can’t pretend to ignore the elephant in the room. What the fuck was this man doing on Epstein’s Island?

That’s right, I’m asking the goddamn question that everyone is too afraid to ask. As a member of The Badger Herald, I want to get to the truth. No, I will get to the truth. Stop wheeling away from me Hawking and connect with me on LinkedIn so I can know what you were really up to.

Even better yet, look out for the piece next week where my team head’s to Epstein’s Island ourselves to uncover any subatomic particles you left at that place.

LeBron James
What can be said about my sunshine, LeBron James. He was the light in the dark, the happiness in a world filled with despair and LeHeart ache. Without him, everything seems LeBleak. LePookie, we miss you. We hope you are in heaven LeSharing your smile with all the angels around you.

Having my little LeSunshine on LeLinkedIn would be a reminder of the good in the world, and give me hope to be a better student, person, lover and mother. We will always remember LeJanuary 18 2025 as the day the world got a little darker.