In a shocking move, the University of Wisconsin philosophy department announced it has elected local stoner Matt Gerhan as its next chair.
Though Gerhan is not a professor and has never even attended college, professor Carol Bottox said in a smoke-filled interview with The Badger Herald that he is well known to UW’s philosophy community for his “truly dank kush.”
“Mr. Gerhan has a brilliant mind,” Bottox said. “He’s always asking the deeper question. Like ‘is Canes always this bussin’, or are we just high?’ Right now I’m just high.”
Professor of existentialism Ben Eastgate said Gerhan primarily earned the respect of the philosophy community for his work on the Trolley Problem.
“Gerhan always gets it right,” Eastgate said. “Now I tell my students there’s no right answer to the Trolley Problem, but Gerhan always proves me wrong. I’ll say, ‘Matt, what would you do if you were on a trolley and it was going to run over a family of four, but if you switched tracks then it would kill your mom?’”
Eastgate shook his head, eyes bright with admiration for Gerhan.
“You know what Gerhan said to me?,” Eastgate said. “‘I would just stop the trolley, dude.’ I tried to tell him he wasn’t allowed to but then he told me that I was killing the vibe”
Eastgate looked at the ground, head clearly filled with adoration.
“He’s always right,” Eastgate said.
English department chair Marissa Gibbley said she disapproves of the philosophy department’s choice. According to Gibbley, one of Gerhan’s first decisions upon becoming chair was to hotbox the fifth floor of Helen C. White.
“I’m conflicted,” Gibbley said. “On one hand, the philosophy department now smokes so much that we’re getting second-hand high from them. On the other hand, they’ve stopped asking us about that ridiculous Trolley Problem.”
