Let’s be frank, today’s music sucks. Pop music is for posers and assholes, there is no real meaning or anything of substance in it. Thank goodness that Madison’s underground music scene has created whole new modes of musical expression for us to enjoy. These bands are some of the most real bands on the scene today.

1. The Little Drummer Boys

Music these days is filled with autotune, over-production and overall tonal clutter. It’s fortunate we have bands like The Little Drummer Boys to bring music back to its roots, the seventh grade band room. Why fill a band with whiny, petulant, angry superstars playing a variety of instruments when you could fill a band with the whiny, petulant, hormonal lunatics we call middle schoolers playing tambourines?

The group is reportedly on its last tour around Madison auditoriums, as it’s looking like break up after lead tambourinist Vincent saw bandmate Sam holding Mariah’s hand in lunch, even though Mariah was clearly into Vincent.

2. The Head Bangers

You know those times when you settle into your chair, grab your lotion, pull open incognito mode, start the next episode of Anal Aliens from Uranus, only to find yourself entranced by the music more than the awesome array of anal action before you? Then you’ve found yourself under the spell of The Head Bangers, a band that has provided the soundtrack to many a lonely night by being the worlds first porn-only band. The group will be cumming to Madison on their Roadhead tour next month, it’s best to buy the tickets now before demand jacks the prices to full girth.

3. Amature Hour

Rules are meant to be broken. Things such as “rhythm” and “harmony” are just words if you have the right perspective. Amature Hour’s music breaks rules that you didn’t even know existed. Every member of the band has no musical experience, no idea what they are doing and no fucks to give. Their music has been described as “a horrifying cacophony of screeching” and an “auditory bukkake.” Their followers state that their music is a welcome change from the old musical culture that has been damaging the music industry for years. The band has been invited to the white house for a featured performance.

4. Bourgeois-z

Hip-Hop has been a bourgeoisie tool to subvert the will of the proletariat since it was created. Rappers have always endorsed the ideals of dog-eat-dog and excessive lifestyle that purvey the late stage capitalist system. Bourgeois-z has stood against this, with his smash hit album “My Marx Loving Utopian Fantasy” already considered one of the classics of Midwestern socialist hip-hop music.

5. Black Hole Son

A totally original band with totally original ideas, this band’s angry, screaming lyrics and vicious, violent songs have provided music with a completely new, unexplored path. “There are no other bands like us, we are original and cutting edge” said lead singer Anti-Christ Cornell, whose real name is Keith Greene. It is pleasing to see bands come together and come up with refreshing and original ideas.